What can I do about workplace bullying?

This a common question! From the by-stander or victim both need to speak up and that takes courage.

How does workplace bullying start?

In stages. Often the bullying can appear like teasing or hazing for the new employee and new recruit to the office or detachment. Who bullies? Anyone can be a bully and anyone can be a target.

Dealing with workplace bullying is the ripple effect of poor management.

The top down leaders have failed. If there is bullying in the workplace by the senior staff, high ranking officers or co-workers and nothing is done, then the message is clear this is a bullying workplace. Anyone considered ‘the other’ is a target. This is how a workplace allows the bullying, protect our own mentality to become deeply imbedded in a workplace culture. New employees have to quickly adapt or be a target.

Speaking from experience in the RCMP

At my first detachment with name calling such as ‘beaver’ and ‘raison tits’. Nothing was done, no one helped end the humiliation. The detachment commander, the boss, the leader, laughed and commented that “maybe you enjoy the attention.’

Like any violence, if nothing is done, then it can and will escalate.
Workplace stress does not stop at the parking lot but ripples into all aspects of the victim’s life.

How do you deal with workplace bullying?

Avoid believing people have the right to abuse you. WRONG! Bullies and leaders, these are two things we choose to be. Victims of workplace bullying do what they need to do to survive. People stay in unhappy workplaces for many reasons. Financial is usually the biggest reason, people need employment. Single parents have that added stress of trying to balance home and an unhealthy workplace.

Understand the only thing you can control or change is you.  Since you cannot change the bully, we can change how we respond, how we react and what we retain. Speaking up is an individual decision and you may be silent for years and tomorrow decide to make a complaint or see your HR department.

If you choose to stay, think of ways to not only survive but to thrive. Imagine in 6 months what will that look and feel like? Okay imagine in 6 years or longer what will it look and feel like for you? If you did nothing could you be happy? Why or why not?  These are questions only you can ask. Be mindful of your attitude, a positive attitude is what gives us resilience in life. Workplace bullying slowly wears people down. On Thursday nights I would paint my nails and have a tea party with my daughter. A little quality time which became a weekly event and a mental health recharge of feeling stronger to face another day, week, month, year and decade. Nail polish is one of my tools I continue to use today.

Document the events, dates, times, places and witnesses. Recognize that not everyone is going to defend the bully. By-standers remain silent from fear as well.

Create a tool kit of strategies such as learning to detach from the bullying behavior.

Remember the power of your voice in speaking up is empowering. Even if nothing changes, you can feel empowered in speaking up. This can empower others to do the same. By-standers retain silent for their own reasons and usually it is fear. Fear is a paralyzer and keeps us stuck.

Be curious. Separate the person from the problem, be aware that everyone has their own ‘stuff’ and deals with their own life lens and experiences from their own perspective. Think about what could be happening in their life that makes them behave in a toxic manner?  Sometimes if we understand the back story we can be forgiving.

However, being curious is not an invitation to be a doormat. Learn to step back and exit from the bully.   Use “I” messages, effective language and listening skills when dealing with a bully. Take some training, additional education which helps if you plan to stay or leave the workplace.

“I”messages. Practice some short responses so that next time you can respond if you felt comfortable. For example; ‘when you yell at me in front of the staff I fell embarrassed, please stop.’  ‘When you say those jokes I feel uncomfortable, please stop.’ ‘You seem really angry let’s talk once you have calmed down and you can be more respectful.’

Think of what works for you, it takes practice. Just because someone is promoted into a leadership role does mean he/she is qualified.

Create hobbies that make you feel good, happy and recharged so that you can work and be present for your family. It is the little things that can really make a difference.

Take literal ‘time outs’ during breaks at work. Leave the building for coffee, take the stairs, use the fitness room if available and hang out with the positive folks. Break up the day and hours into segments and find things to do that help you get to next hour. For me reading manuals, taking coffee breaks across the street was the ticket to making the next hour.

One important tool in dealing with workplace bullying is setting boundaries. Boundaries on behaviors you accept and behaviors you do not accept. Very important because often we get used to be a vicim and stepping out of our comfort zone can be scary.

We cannot change people but what we can do is make it uncomfortable for those who refuse to end bullying, sexism, racism, homophobia and other violence in the workplace. Excusing it away ‘oh its just a joke’ lacks in accountability.

How to deal with workplace bullying is both an individual and management choice. Set yourself up for success in your workplace. Doing nothing and nothing changes. Be the change and speak up.