How to be happy with PTSD?

How to enjoy things, life, relationships again living with depression and PTSD.

Is it possible, living with PTSD, the trauma the memories and the triggers, and yet find happiness? I say yes. Is it easy sometimes no? Sometimes very difficult and challenging to the point where you just say forget it. But life is worth it, you are worth it, never give up on you.

People often look at me the things that I’ve achieved, as an RCMP officer with 20 years of service, a new career as an international motivational speaker, and they think I am normal. Like who defines normal. What people don’t see are the emotional scars, those internal wounds people with PTSD have experienced and live with every day. We cannot erase them, delete the memories and there is no emotional plastic surgeon who can remove the scaring and make everything ‘fine’.

There was and is no one or no way to erase those scars, and it can be both physical and mental, and make us look ‘normal’ the way we used to be.

I think that’s where people, including me, may struggle the most in living with PTSD. Wanting to be normal, wanting to be the way they used to be before the trauma, before the pain before the suffering. Feeling guilty because we are different than before. Interestingly, I never really thought about PTSD, it was an ’emotional roller coaster’ of varying degrees of fear and emotional responses. Family and friends may be impatient and not have the tools to be supportive and compassionate. We can learn better tools for supporting those living with PTSD and in dealing with PTSD. It is a learning experience.

There is no easy, quick fix, one way on the journey of living surviving, and thriving with PTSD. So much depends on our attitude, the support we have, medical and or psychological help, and our self-care tools which we use every day.

I have the benefit of being able to look back and see the journey to writing this blog. Remembering the agonizing decision stepping back from suicide, and the decision for life, to living each day, one day at a time. Having to take anxiety medication for several years, the effects of the drugs, the struggle with changes in personality and other side effects. But I was alive and chose to emphasize that gift.

At first, it was sometimes focusing on 15 minutes at a time before dark thoughts filtered into my mind. The sleepless nights, hypervigilance, over startled response, lack of sex drive, little or no motivation, impatience, triggers, fear,  cranky, low energy to name a few of the issues PTSD had placed on my life path. Pissed me off for sure.

It took practice to shut out that negative shaming, toxic chatterbox of destructive thoughts and replace them with positive, loving, patience, nurturing self-care encouraging words. It takes lots of time and practice to retrain our brain. Eventually, it becomes a positive easy habit.

There was trepidation of talking to an RCMP officer, let alone the panic attacks if I had to walk into an RCMP detachment to complete a traffic report.
Wearing sunglasses as I entered the detachment was part of hiding my fear, no one could see my eyes and the panic. Deep breathing meditation finding a way to become the only way I could walk into a police detachment.

The fear and anxiety and being terrified of receiving government letters in the mail. It is taken time, effort every day to move along the journey of living with PTSD to a place of confidence, happiness and sense of safety.

Today I’ve spoken to Commissioner Paulson, had a selfie taken with him at the International Association of women police conference in Winnipeg.
Recently I presented a speech on mental health, leadership and workplace bullying at the RCMP Headquarters in Ottawa and was introduced to Commissioner Luckie who was in the audience.

The level of confidence,  less fear, triggers anxiety has subsidized, not gone less intense and debilitating. From remaining silent to a place where I continue to speak up about workplace bullying mental health and PTSD are part of my journey. Speaking to police officers, walking into any police station there is no longer that intense anxiety or fear.

This journey with PTSD looks and feels different everyone reading this blog, the journey will look and feel different for everyone who is experiencing PTSD because each of us has experienced something different.

Yes, There were times where I just felt like giving up, staying in bed all day not going to university or seeing the little things in life. Where the effort seems too great to try. The point is to never give up. It is all about EFFORT, and it can be exhausting. Be kind and patient with yourself, it takes time and more time. It is ok to take a break and self-care. Maybe you need to rest, some self-care, self-compassion. The hope is that you never give up.
Tomorrow may look different than today.

Moving forward looks and feels different for everyone!
How we react, respond and cope depends on our life skills, where we’ve come from, our culture, religion, self-care tool kit and coping skills.

For me, it is enjoying the moments of fun, laughter, peace, and self-awareness. Looking for the little things in life that give us joy or a giggle.

I have PTSD it does not help me. Although I don’t know what tomorrow will hold I look forward to embracing the adventures I have yet to experience.
We cannot go back and be who we were, look at it this way we are who we are from the people and events that challenge the most. We are courageous, brave and strong. Our scars remind us where we have been but they do not have to define our future success and happiness.

I have learned to appreciate and love me. If I had not experienced years of workplace bullying and harassment then probably would not have grown into the person of today and presented at TEDx Winnipeg 2015, ‘Tools to survive workplace bullying’!

That was an incredibly empowering experience and in sharing the lessons so others may have not had to suffer alone.

Yes, It’s empowering to know that we and only we can achieve this goal of finding happiness on the journey of PTSD.

Check out different links for more information and access to supports. 

PTSD Association website for additional information on PTSD supports