Why do our words matter?
Do our words matter? The most important part is aware of our thoughts and words.
Yes, our words do matter. Over the years of dealing with workplace bullying and harassment, I learned that It is not what we say but how we say it. The intent behind our words, are they to hurt or to heal?
Are they to build bridges of understanding or put up walls of isolation, fear and mistrust?
Think about your words? We all make mistakes, none of us is perfect. The words we speak and the words
we think all have a tremendous impact on our own lives and relationships with others at work, family and in our intimate partners.
We have to remember that everybody has their own map of reality, a life lens that makes us who we are today. This is our family life, where we live, life experiences, personality, how we define good and bad behaviour, right from wrong, religious and cultural beliefs are all part of who we are today.
Put all that in a blender and toss in the ‘perspective lens’ and you can see how different and unique we all are in life.
Think about an event or events that you may have experienced that were traumatic and yet someone else did not react to that same event. Think about when someone dismissed your fear, trauma or anxiety with ‘its nothing’ comment. How did you feel?
I can remember during a presentation on ‘workplace bullying’ explaining how bullying can start with name-calling and quickly educate to violence with a failure in leadership and impact on victims. A member of the audience approached me later and made the comment ‘well you should have called them names too, you’re too sensitive because I don’t see there was a big deal.’ At that moment I had a choice to either become angry or defensive with my actions or take the opportunity to educate her on how different perspectives on different issues have different meanings. Explaining that people do what they need to do at the moment, to survive, with the skills and the knowledge that they have at the time.
Looking back from today and the different events, and experiences with workplace bullying my actions my words probably would be different because I have learned better ways of communication and effective listening skills. Since then I have taken a degree in conflict resolution and two diplomas in human resource management.
From the moment we are born we are listening to words. As we grow up we continuously learn the meaning behind words. For example, many children grew up in a home where there was constant criticism, yelling, shaming. How often have we heard someone say that girls are always ‘nice, polite and don’t yell’. Boys ‘don’t cry or show emotion’. These are dis-empowering words. Everyone deserves to have their voice, opinion, feelings and to be heard at every age.
If you look in the mirror and comment on the reflection as ‘fat, ugly, short, too tall, stupid’ how do you think you will feel? Crappy. Look at the lovely reflection and see the beauty, say positive words like ‘smart, talented, pretty….’ The feelings are going to be much better. From the article The Neuroscience Behind our Words
Scientific studies actually show that positive and negative words not only affect us on a deep psychological level, but they have a significant impact on the outcome of our lives.
Put frankly, their study proved that negative words release stress and anxiety-inducing hormones in subjects.
Additionally, a study found increased levels of anxiety in children associated with higher rates of negative self-talk. According to the study’s abstract,
“These results suggest negative self-talk plays a role in the generation or maintenance of anxiety in normal children.”
Ultimately, negative words, whether spoken, heard, or thought, not only cause situational stress, but also contribute to long-term anxiety.
Think Happy Thoughts
Naturally, the recognition that holding negative thoughts in our mind is enough to induce stress and anxiety hormones begs the question, “What effect do positive thoughts have?”
In their jointly written book, Words Can Change Your Brain, Dr. Andrew Newberg, a neuroscientist at Thomas Jefferson University, and Mark Robert Waldman, a communications expert state, “a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”
Furthermore, according to these two experts in their field, exercising positive thoughts can quite literally change one’s reality.
Teenagers struggle with finding their own ‘language’.
Move along in years into our teens we are greatly influenced by the words of our peers. This creates opportunities for bullying. Words are like knives they scratch us, they can cut us, and they wound us. The good news is that it’s never too late to relearn our use of words. To find the courage to speak up for yourself and others. A bully is only powerful when there is an audience of silent bystanders.
The workplace culture often uses language to control and direct employees. Again it’s not what we say but how we say it! Yelling and screaming at an employee is not effective.
Speaking from experience I can remember at one detachment the Sergeant had a reputation of yelling at everybody, in an attempt to humiliate them. His words were destructive and emotionally damaging. The only thing he created was an unhappy unhealthy workplace where no one cared or tried to do their best. People simply showed up to work, tried to stay out of the Sergeant’s way and at the end of the shift, went home. Not the best place to work.
Think about the words you use in your daily activities. If you can remember to respond and react with kindness in your heart it’s amazing how many bridges of the understanding you can create with your words.
Why write about the value of words?
Because listening to people in the stores, family, friends, the radio and on TV I have seen how words can be creative and compassionate and also how subtly destructive and alienating. Awareness is the key. If we think before we speak, if we listen before we speak then the lines of communication are likely more open to that sense of willingness. It is truly amazing being mindful of negative words bouncing around in our heads. Time to pivot from negative to positive. It takes practice. You will feel happier.
Think about our patterns of thinking/use of words and what is working and helpful and what is hurtful? We can change the pattern. It takes time and practice. I like to write out positive messages, words and put them on stickie notes around the house, in the car and at work. Positive words like ‘you are good’, ‘happiness is a choice, ‘believe in you, ‘I am good’, ‘never give up, ‘smile’. Find the words that work for you and start the journey to a more positive mindset. Keep calm and try again.
We don’t have to like everybody but we do have to be respectful. Does that mean people will be respectful and kind to us maybe it maybe not, but we have a choice! We have a choice in how we respond, how we react and what we retain. Having a self-care tool kit and strategies helps navigate the stressful times in life.
Choose to choose your words wisely. The way I communicate today is completely different than the way I communicated five, ten or fifteen years ago. We can learn all the time on our life journey. I am a forever student of life! It is awesome.
I found the most powerful words are ‘I’m sorry’ Sometimes they are the most difficult and more often, the most healing.
Take the lesson and not the pain as you learn a more effective loving way to communicate, to use words with others and with yourself.