Domestic violence?  What can I do to help?

What would you do if you were living in an apartment and the middle of the night, awakened by the sounds of domestic violence, a woman screaming in fear, other voices yelling and banging from somewhere in the building may be the apartment beside you? Would you call the police? Should you call the police?  What if the guy knows I called the police and comes after me?  These are all valid and important thought-provoking life-saving questions.

Simply put, call 911, you could be saving the life or lives. There are many online secure places to find information and contact numbers for you and the victims of domestic violence.  

What does support look like?

Keep the lines of communication open. Support is crucial even if you disagree. Give non-judgmental support, help them seek professional help in their safety plan, use code words if they call you or others to say they are in need, then call 911, (have an emergency bag of clothes/money/documents/passport/keys/medical information), encourage professional help. Help them stick to that safety plan. Remember it takes time for victims to see that they deserve to be respected and rebuild their sense of self-worth.  It takes time and professional guidance to help them relearn that violence is not part of love and they have done nothing to deserve abuse.  Domestic violence is the most dangerous of situations and on police calls. Emotions are high, and can quickly escalate into homicide. We have lost too many women to men’s violence against women. Lets us call it for the reality, use the language to hold accountability to those who abuse women.

Speaking from a personal conversation. I was recently having an intimate chat where the topic of domestic violence came up. Then the conversation turned to our own individual experiences with domestic violence as victims and witnesses. Years ago living in an apartment in Winnipeg I was awakened to bloodcurdling screams, a man screaming obscenities, sounds of banging furniture breaking. These sounds were so loud, they scream so terrifyingly I hid underneath my blankets. After a few minutes, the screaming was so intense I felt sick to my stomach and realized no one‘s called the police. As a young person alone was terrified as the noise seemed to be louder coming down the hall towards my apartment. Managing to find the courage I got out of bed walked down the hallway and called 911. There is a sense of extreme vulnerably with the phone so close to the apartment door, waiting for it to come crashing down.

It seemed an eternity as the operator took the details with the screaming blocking out my own voice. Thankfully within minutes, two or three police cars were arriving at the apartment building. Obviously, the violence had exited the apartment into the hallway, loud noises, footsteps, then suddenly the silence. In those moments, to me,  that was a scary part. I didn’t know if she was killed.

Peeking out the door I saw the pathetic excuse of a small man being escorted by two heavily armed police officers down the hall and out into the police car. His eyes were black with rage. It was important to look at him and recognize who he was so that if I ever encountered him I knew he was dangerous. Remember this was before the domestic violence changes in arrest procedures where victims don’t have to charge their partner.
Two other officers escorted the woman, she was tall dark and beautiful despite the swollen face from the beating. For a split second our eyes met and although there were no words spoken I knew she was thankful I called the police. The good news is I never saw her again. I did see him several weeks later. Thinking about this event as I hear about domestic violence and murder I am often reminded of this event and hope she found the courage to leave this loser, found the courage to heal, to move forward to success and in a healthy, respectful, happy and loving relationship.

As a police officer that has been my job to respond to calls for help from victims of violence, and also to respond to witnesses who hear the violence. Safety first. Today most people have cell phones and calling 911 is as easy as breathing. The idea is if you hear yelling and screaming call the police that’s our job. It can be scary but think about it this way, what would you want people to do if it was your daughter,  your sister,  your mother,  your father your brother. Men can be victims of domestic violence as well. However, more men kill their intimate partners.

How can you support family and friends suffering from domestic violence? Seek out resources for additional knowledge and tips.  The Canadian Women’s Foundation. 

Crisis Lines: Many communities (and some women’s shelters) have a 24-hour telephone crisis line. These services are confidential—you don’t need to give your name or phone number. They will listen, answer your questions, and refer you to the services you’re looking for. Look in the front of your phone book, or search online for crisis lines in your community.

women.gc.ca/violence – This Federal government website offers information and lists of community services in each province and territory.

Most importantly just be there, be part of their safety plan without judgements without criticisms. Encouraging words and positive support to get them to seek help from therapy. What do you do if your friend calls you about her violent partner and you come to get her? Then she returns, things seem fine then you get the call of her being abused again?  What do you do?  Recently a friend shared about this very scenario.  Often we have no idea what to do other than taking our friend away from the home. We can become quickly burnt out, keep reaching out to them without shaming or judgements. Sometimes it takes much to leave and comes back events before they decide to leave and never go back.

As a young person, I had no idea what to do or how to help. Victims have a hard time seeing the abuse as abuse and wrongly blame themselves. It takes courage to tell your friend she needs to get out because of the violent behaviour the signs of escalation.  We can experience their resistance and loss of friendship because they are unable at the time to even be willing to acknowledge/affirm the love of their life is a wife/partner beater, neglectful, controlling, psychologically abusive.  It is a hard pill to swallow.  Abuse becomes normalized like an everyday occurrence. Starts with little things and excused away. “Oh I was having a bad day,” or “you made me so angry,”  “my boss is a shit”, “you never listen”, “you burned supper” “I have so much stress”. These are excuses, not accountability.  An unkind word, a push, a shove, a hit, a slap, controlling the money, keeping you away from family or friends.  If he hits you once he will hit you again. Victims need to know it is never okay to be abusive. There is never an excuse for abuse!!!

Is there enough support, and education? No! Sadly funding for women’s shelters is never enough as victims begin to speak up and reach out for help. Today there are resources and places for women to go, and although the courts and police are to protect victims of violence. However, it has been my experience that not all police officers completely understand why women return to the violent home, in my opinion, additional training in the trauma of domestic violence could be of benefit in understanding the intertwined trauma of domestic violence. It is a complicated dynamics of guilt shame, poverty, power, love, fear to name a few.

How do I support someone living in a violent home? Speak up! Be their voice. Help can be online.

Before I called, I had no idea what I was going to do.
Now I have a plan and I know where to start.

Listening, encouraging professional help, kindness and friendship can give them the tools to perhaps recognize and affirm the seriousness and eventually leave. It is better to speak up and say what you see than remain silent and someone you care about is murdered.