Domestic violence. How to recognize an unhealthy relationship! Part 2
How to recognize an unhealthy relationship! Part 2
This is part 2 of a blog series about domestic violence and unhealthy relationship. If you haven’t yet read part 1, click here to read it.
It can be really confusing suddenly realizing you are in a situation of domestic violence. Do you start to ask how did this happen? I thought I was smart enough to see the signs, not be a victim! Domestic violence has no geographic boundaries, it impacts all socio-economic boundaries, cultural, religious and communities around the globe. You are not alone.
Wait I married my Prince Charming and now I am married to Satan! How did this happen? He was so attentive and today I feel like he/she is stalking me, monitoring every move, checking my phone calls and texts, keeping me from family and friends. People can feel like they are walking around on eggshells, never knowing what can set off the abuse, the next explosion.
Abuse becomes normalized like an everyday occurrence. Starts with little things and excused away. “Oh I was having a bad day,” or “you made me so angry,” “my boss is a shit”, “you never listen”, “you burned supper” “I have so much stress”. These are excuses, not accountability. An unkind word, a push, a shove, a hit, a slap, demanding sex, controlling the money, keeping you away from family or friends. If he hits you once he will hit you again. Victims need to know it is never okay to be abusive.
As a police officer dating another police officer did not see the signs and then choose to ignore them. It began with the mind games, ignoring my needs, convincing me to stay away from family and making me feel like there was something wrong with me. The blame game is used to make you feel like somehow it is your fault. Also called ‘gaslighting‘ Sadly it took time before I recognized what was happening, I suffered in this mind game relationship for several months before becoming brave enough to share it with my therapist. Sometimes it can take years for victims to speak up and leave. You see I truly began to think there was something wrong with me. She quickly identified the behaviour as abuse. I ended the relationship. Recovery took lots of self patience, self-compassion, professional help and time to relearn about what is a ‘healthy relationship’. Dealing with the guilt and shame needed professional guidance. Lessons learned and therapy helped change that pattern of behaviour in seeking a potential partner.
Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help. Domestic violence is a serious threat for many women. Know the signs of an abusive relationship and how to leave a dangerous situation.
Recognize domestic violence
Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.
Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.
It might not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. You might be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who
Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school or seeing family members or friends
Tries to control how you spend money, where you go, what medicines you take or what you wear
Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
Tries to control whether you can see a health care provider
Threatens you with violence or a weapon
Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
If you’re lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:
Tells you that authorities won’t help a lesbian, bisexual or transgender person
Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
At the start of a new relationship, it’s not always easy to tell if it will later become abusive. In fact, many abusive people appear like ideal partners in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight and may emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Never and excuse for abuse. NEVER
Every relationship is different and domestic violence doesn’t always look the same. One feature shared by most abusive relationships is that the abusive partner tries to establish or gain power and control through many different methods, at different moments
Sometimes all it takes is a whiff of familiar cologne to make Sophia*, 25, remember the feel of her abuser’s fingers around her neck. Sometimes the rib he broke will start to ache, or she’ll feel the spots where he bruised her. She escaped an abusive relationship in the winter of 2015 but relives what happened through post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)—a mental health condition that can occur after various kinds of trauma—which she was diagnosed with that June.
SHAME, fear and guilt keep people from leaving abusive partners
It is extremely difficult to watch someone you care about to believe they are worthless from being abused by their partner. The ongoing fear of losing their children to the abuser because of the financial and power imbalance. The triggers they experience from the violence such as touch, smell or sound. It is trauma and needs professional help to heal and recover. Everyone learns to survive in that environment.
Right after she escaped her abuser, Sophia was “petrified” to be alone. A friend stayed with her in her apartment, and Sophia literally followed her from room to room. “I wasn’t able to take care of myself,” Sophia tells SELF. “She would have to remind me to eat and help me go grocery shopping. The best way to describe it is that I was a zombie.” Scared that her abuser would find her, Sophia was often too afraid to leave the house. If she heard even the slightest noise, her heart rate would skyrocket, a stress rash would creep across her cheeks, neck, and chest, and she would start to shake. “I was a wreck,” she says.
You have a right to feel safe, to speak up in your relationship and if having a voice means you are subjected to abuse and violence then that is not a healthy relationship. Get out!
