The ‘B’ Word. Not the bitch, it is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Why do we need boundaries? What are boundaries? And are boundaries important?
Yes, boundaries are important and we can always learn how to set up boundaries at any moment in our lives.
Took me years of workplace bullying and harassment before I learned the importance and how to set my own boundaries. With the professional guidance of a therapist eventually understood why boundaries are important, and in figuring what fits with my individual needs. Hey, we can learn from each other. Sharing the stories so that you do not have to suffer as I did.
Have you ever felt that you can’t say no when people ask you to do things? Do you feel overwhelmed with saying yes and then feel guilty if you say no? Are you the one who everyone gives the extra jobs, tasks and work to complete? At family events are you always the one doing all the work, all the cleanup?
Do you see a pattern of your life where you can’t seem to speak up and say no without feeling guilty? I wrote a blog on ‘The disease to please’ check it out to better understand the fear of saying no.
Setting boundaries helps to define you as an individual. Personal boundaries are really important in how you decide and choose which behaviours you will accept and which behaviours you will not accept. This includes your family, friends, public spaces, your intimate partners and your workplace. Boundaries are shaped by our life experiences, family, childhood, personality, culture, religion etc. It is not a size fits all in setting up boundaries. There is often tremendous pressure to conform, to be ‘nice’ to go along, don’t be difficult.
From the Resilience Centre in Australia an article by Ida Soghomonain
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes and setting the distances one allows others to approach. Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and, really, a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill.
Setting boundaries is not a skill or something we have all learned in childhood. That’s okay because we can learn today. It is never too late. We can learn from each other as well. Speaking from experience I never heard the word boundaries until I was in my 30s in therapy getting help in me dealing with the trauma of workplace bullying and sexual harassment. During those 20 years as an RCMP officer that’s when I learned about the importance and value of setting my own boundaries. And as you know because we are different, our boundaries will look and feel different for each of us. Those who struggle against our new set boundaries are the people who usually don’t have any, or their boundaries are what I refer to as squishy.
Squishy boundaries are useless because they change and give mixed messages not only to yourself but also to people in your life. Setting your boundaries sticking to your boundaries no matter what the backlash is part of what helps to define you as an individual and keeps you feeling respected, happy and safe. There is a big difference between being a doormat and setting boundaries. Again this takes the practice of self-care in determining what feels safe/good for you and what does not. Yes at one point I was called ‘trouble maker’, and ‘bitch’ for being firm with boundaries.
Why are boundaries important?
Healthy boundaries are necessary components for self-care. Without boundaries, we feel depleted, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or intruded upon. Whether it’s in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries may lead to resentment, hurt, anger, and burnout.
Boundaries help us take care of ourselves by giving us permission to say NO to things, to not take everything on. Boundaries draw a clear line around what is ok for us and what is not. While some behaviours clearly cross the line for almost anyone, we all have different comfort levels when it comes to everything from intimacy and privacy to lateness.
I can remember learning to set boundaries for people who were verbally abusive at work. It took practice to speak up, to use ‘I messages’ in dealing with the bully.
What is an ‘I message’?
An ‘I message’ sounds like this, “when you yell and scream at me in front of my coworkers I feel humiliated, please stop.” “ I feel embarrassed when you make comments about my body/ breasts. Please stop“. For those who thought it was funny to grab my ass, I tried to may an active decision not to be alone with them, not sit near them or attend parties with those particular people attending. After being assaulted (pushed up against the wall and kissed by a detachment commander ) at a staff Christmas party, decided even with other people around there was no guarantee I was safe. Because of this, there were times I avoided after-work events completely until I felt emotionally strong enough to speak up.
This article talks about the physical boundary – being aware of the actual physical space shared with the bully. Workspace, lunch area elevators for example. Emotional boundary – knowing who to protect yourself from over-giving, being used. Words /vocabulary boundary – learning to say no. I have to say that is the toughest one to say and not add a further explanation. No is no.
For my years of experience with workplace bullying that is where I first started to set really firm boundaries. A slow process but with practice and self-care managed to find the right balance in what felt comfortable for me. With the use of effective communication and listening, skill began to speak up and push back with the bullying. Learning how to set boundaries is an active decision.
Boundaries are also about your own emotional space. That really empowering. From the article Healthline:
The word “boundary” can be a bit misleading. It conveys the idea of keeping yourself separate. But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or professional.
All these mentioned articles have great ideas and links to further information. Be curious about setting your own boundaries. Remember you deserve to feel safe at home and in the workplace. Setting boundaries with our friends and family can ruffle some feathers especially if you were a ‘yes’ person. There will be pushback and resistance. This is where you can remain firm, calm and be clear on the new set of boundaries. I would say ‘yes I have always been available and that was not always good for me. Today I have chosen to set boundaries on my commitments etc.’ It is incredibly empowering and good for our mental and physical health.
Having boundaries helps us improve relationships. For example, with my partner of many years, I had to explain that there needed to be a firm boundary on people who did not respect our boundaries as a couple. Men/women who think it is okay to flirt/touch/text/email cross my boundary as a couple. Sometimes we have to remove people from our lives if they continue to cross those lines. Your idea of what feels right for you may be different from mine and that is okay. These are shaped through our entire lives.
It is really empowering learning to speak up once you’ve set boundaries or behaviours you will not accept. Yes, it is scary and can feel uncomfortable. Anytime we set a boundary that is different from the way we have behaved previously, people who don’t value boundaries will react negatively, push back on the ‘new’ you. Be firm, consistent and clear and eventually people will understand your boundaries. People understand that when I say I will help out on this project, volunteer or commit I set boundaries. They have learned over time that I stick to those boundaries and I choose to bend them, it is my choice. Not out of guilt or shame, my choice. Honouring yourself is part of setting boundaries. It is an ongoing active choice.