My dad died, should I be sad? How long is enough time in grief?
When someone dies there is often a mixture of emotions depending on the relationship and connection you share together. There are people who come into and out of our lives, that give us an opportunity to learn about life, and most importantly to learn about ourselves. Everyone is different and how we react to grief is completely different. My husband lost his parents as a young man and his support has been incredible in allowing me to feel what I need to feel, that wave of ups and downs. The tears blended with laughter. To grow in an emotional or spiritual journey.
Recently my nearly 97 year old father died. Most people would ask ‘are you sad?’ ‘How do you feel about your dad dying?’ ‘ How are you coping?’
These are legitimate questions when someone close to you dies. The difference for me on this journey of grief after the loss of my dad has been one of inner reflection, inner calm and inner peace. This sense of peace was not something I expected and being a curious personality began to examine my relationship with dad.
Over the years I had to relearn to be friends with my dad. This was a painful journey accepting the fact that I didn’t have this ideal childhood. My father was committed to his work as principal and educator. He had hobbies that often times excluded his children and family. He did make a basketball court in our driveway, took us to various sports camps, created an ice rink in winter to skate, taught us to swim and read us poetry as young children. These are precious gifts.
As we grow into adulthood everyone developed their own relationship with dad. I have to admit that they were times I felt angry and resentful. In many situations, our interactions were tense and unloving. I don’t remember the specific date when I realized he was not going to change, I could not deny or change the past. That negative part of my own behaviour was something I did not want or like. The big question is how do you have relationships with people we may feel anger and resentment?
Set boundaries, be curious because everyone has their own story and there is always a back story to that story. I wanted a relationship and had to figure out what that would look and feel like for me. Could I do it? Yes, it is inner courage to change ourselves. I had the courage to change how I viewed him, how I reacted, responded, setting boundaries and what I decided to retain with each interaction. Kindness and boundaries are all part of self-care and compassion. This was a powerful moment and each interaction from those experiences was developing into loving, kind compassionate with firm boundaries memories.
We are who we are from our experiences in life. The good the bad the real crappy create the best parts of us. The strongest parts, the most resilient and most loving. We have a choice to hang onto bitterness, anger and resentment or accept the fact that we can’t change people or the past, it’s in our attitude our acceptance, willingness to move forward from the pain, taking the lessons learned and valuing the experiences we have with each other without unrealistic expectations.
Do I feel grief? Yes, grief is like the waves in the ocean sometimes they’re pounding down on the shores of our soul with sadness that overwhelms us with pain and regret. Other times the waves are gentle ripples softly reminding us of the good times, the smiles, jokes, tender confessions, beautiful emotional connections.
My father and I shared many moments where he expressed his inner thoughts, fears, regrets and I felt privileged to be sitting by his side those last days.
Writing this blog is not so much about me but the journey through grief, which I’m not done yet and don’t know when I will be on the other side of grief. It’s going to be more like the other side of a new reality without my dad, without visiting him in the care home, without reading to him, taking him for lunch, missing his birthday, Remembrance Day, Christmas all those ‘firsts’.
The space between dying, the celebration of life, time seems to stand still. We can become set in this zone of nothingness. That is what it felt like for me, a sense of loss, sadness and doing nothing with work and keeping close to family. But we have to move forward, we have to begin to live again, we have to learn to live without those we loved and who are now gone. It was a revelation this journey of grief. It is an individual journey. It was like being compelled to climb a huge hill with no idea of what is on the other side.
Being curious has allowed me to realize the wonderful gifts my father has given me over the years. Something I hadn’t really thought about until he became very ill and passed away.
It’s in these moments, we have an opportunity to inner reflect and grow. No matter what your relationship is with someone you have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, set firm boundaries on behaviours you will accept with your family friends and your partner and not allow negative attitudes or behaviours to change the way you live.
I am incredibly thankful for the journey my dad and I have taken together, the gifts I have given him and the sense of peace I have as he leaves us behind. Regret is a waste of emotion. We cannot change the past and we cannot deny it. We do have a choice however in self-compassion and forgiveness in the way we treat ourselves and others as we move forward in life through grief. As I look back at the many selfies we took over the years, the funny Snapchat picture I have to laugh at. Laughter in grief is helpful for me, everyone is different, that is okay.
Dad’s celebration of life for me was a powerful happy day.
It’s never too late to do the work you need to have a healthy respectful relationship, with boundaries and respect and love. Start your journey with self-compassion and be willing to feel these new emotions as you move forward in a new reality.