How do we cope with death at Christmas?

 

How do we cope at Christmas after someone we love has died?

None of us is immune from experiencing sadness in the death of someone we love and care about. There is no way we can possibly escape dealing with grief with that loss of a loved one at Christmas. It is always the first which can feel agonizing.

Remember it’s OK, not to be OK.

Giver yourself permission to grief. It’s OK to not feel joyful, all happy happy, with smiles from ear to ear, at Christmas. Everyone, and I repeat everyone has their own challenges that they are dealing with. We only see a snapshot of folks, moments in their lives, and moments in our lives. No one knows what might be going on for us at any given time. This is why it’s important to look at everyone including yourself through a lens of curiosity, and compassion. This is not an excuse to be a doormat and abused by people. Absolutely not! Simply put, when we look at Life through a lens of curiosity and compassion, we are less likely to be judgmental in our reactions. Feelings are feelings and that don’t often make sense but they are our feelings.

During the holidays set yourself up for success in your grief. Decide where and when, how long, with whom you choose to spend time. We can love our family and our friends and yet they may not be able to understand our grief. Death is an uncomfortable conversation and most people find it difficult to spend time in the same room with someone who has just lost a loved one. Funerals are different that’s to be expected.  However coming for dinner, parties, social events and Christmas, having someone in the same room who is grieving the loss of a loved one, makes most people uncomfortable. Sadly that’s been the experience for many. Drowning our sorrow in drugs and alcohol only compounds the sadness and is not healthy or productive.

Set boundaries, time limits on events during the holiday season as you navigate through your own journey of grief. This journey will look and feel different for everyone.

There is no time limit to be over that sadness, there is a new normal, a new reality without that person in our lives. From my own personal experience with the recent  death of my dad, it reminds me of having a hole in our heart, that ache when we see pictures, when we have memories that float through our minds at various times during the day and night, up coming events they won’t be there, the spontaneous tears.  The new reality looks and feels different for everyone. In my own family the six other siblings are dealing with this in their own way as well.

 

This is not to say that we are ‘healed’, merely we have found our own way to celebrate, and cherish those beautiful moments and memories with a person who is no longer with us.

How are you choose to honour their memory during the holiday season is as unique as a snowflake. None of us can say what is the right way to honour the memory of a loved one. For me I’m making  butter tarts which my dad absolutely loved. This Christmas I am also making a small ornament with a picture of the two of us from many years back. It will be a cherished memento to hang every year at Christmas.

I expect there will be moments during the holiday seasons with spontaneous emotional tears, missing dad. That’s OK. On the journey of grief it’s important that we have ackknowledge our sadness, confusion, anger, disappointment, all the emotions we experience to get to the other side of grief. For those who are struggling, and continue to struggle with grief it’s important to reach out for professional help to help you navigate your loss. That’s OK to ask for help.

For those who are watching someone who is dealing with grief at this time of year, put on a lens of curiosity and compassion. Try to avoid the expectation that people need to be happy, should be happy at Christmas. This is an unrealistic expectation for many people for various reasons including the death of a loved one. Financial and emotional strain or other serious reasons why people have a difficult time to be happy, joyous at Christmas.

To support your friends and family ask them what they need as support.

You may be surprised they just want you to listen to them as they talk about moments, fun events, sad events, happy events with their loved one. Everyone will want what fits with their needs at the time and it can change for them.  It has been my  experience, listening without judgment, is the greatest gift to anyone suffering a loss. I am thankful my partner and daughters have been very supportive. Listening is a gift.

I’m talking about active listening which is where are you avoid thinking about anything else other than what the person is telling you, sharing with you in that moment. It takes practice to learn to be an active listener.  Listening builds bridges of understanding and compassion.

As the holiday seasons approach, Christmas music is everywhere, people are wishing you a Merry Christmas, it’s OK to be sad as you navigate your sadness. If shopping becomes a challenge, find a different time to go into the stores where there was less people, change up your day so that you have time to nurture yourself, self-care and recharge your emotional fuel cells during the holidays. I like to go shopping first thing in the morning, less people, less busy, less opportunity to be looking all joyful when I feel like crying inside. Everyone has their own coping skills, or what I referred to as self-care tools and strategies for good physical and mental health. At the times of intense sadness and loss it’s important to reach into your self-care tool kit and find a positive distraction, something that makes you feel good, energized, confident, happy and able to get on with your day. Again this will look and feel different for everyone.

 

 

Baking butter tarts for my family and friends was a wonderful way to honour my dad, I like to remember him enjoying the butter tarts and complementing me on the tasty raisin butter filling.

This Christmas do what you need to do to survive and thrive during your time of sadness and loss. Sometimes we just need 10 minutes to ourselves while we were having a family dinner, party with friends, and on Christmas morning. Take the time you need, nurture yourself, remember self compassion, and self-care as you navigate at this time of year to find your own place and new place, the new reality.