Trigger warning!
This blog contains a subject that is sensitive and may be disturbing to readers.
Why don’t people report sexual assault?
Why do many victims of sexual violence choose not to report to the police?
From Psychology Today: Why is it so hard to Report Sexual Assault?
Cultural Norms Around Gender and Power Can Intimidate Survivors
As a violence researcher, I was interested in these first-person accounts, and along with colleagues, analyzed hundreds of them. We found multiple layers of barriers that make reporting not only difficult but sometimes retraumatizing. Roadblocks include denial, disbelief, and confusion at every level of society. For example, there are cultural norms around gender and power that intimidated survivors. Some tweeted: “I was told ‘boys will be boys.” And, “Because it happened so often to so many girls, women I know, including myself, I thought it was normal behavior and that we just had to take it.” Another said, “I thought admitting I was raped would make me less of a man.”Others ran into community barriers, including at the workplace: “I was told by HR that I would lose my job if I reported the repeated sexual assault . . . of my co-worker.” At school: “I told a teacher . . . She said, ‘You’re trying to get attention.”’ Others were dismissed in healthcare settings: “I did report my sexual abuse, at age 8, to a doctor, and was told ‘we don’t talk about those things.’” Some were afraid of damaging family relationships, or were criticized by family members: “[I didn’t say anything because] he was a relative . . . I was afraid of upsetting the family . . . When my mother learned about it from reading my journal, she blamed me.” Many were confused, in shock, or otherwise overwhelmed, which thwarted their ability to report. One survivor’s tweet was typical: “I felt like it was my fault, and I was ashamed and didn‘t want anybody to know what happened to me. I felt dirty, used, small, and alone.”
Lots of personal reasons for the silence.
I prefer to call those who have experienced sexual violence, survivors. It is not just about surviving but also thriving.
Speaking from my personal experience with sexual violence in the workplace, I won’t speak for anyone else because I don’t live in their shoes. The painful decision of not speaking up was based on the fact at the time of the assault I was already being brutalized and bullied by the police/co-workers the very police I was to ask for help. If you don’t feel comfortable with the police then I would strongly encourage victims/survivors to find someone positive and supportive to share their trauma. Because I did the opposite, stuffed that pain and trauma, shame and guilt, deep down into my soul. As a result, (emotional pain/trauma) came out in destructive, self-destructive behaviours. Feeling like I was worthless, what happened to me was my fault for drinking, my fault for trusting a co-worker, believing I was worthless I allowed other people to abuse me. Thankfully with therapy, I discovered that I was responsible for my actions in my recovery, not the perpetrator’s behaviour. To me, that was incredibly empowering. Knowing that I did not have to allow those events to define my life, my happiness, my future success, and my intimate relationships with a future partner. This was a journey.
I look at it this way ‘what we repress we eventually express, in unhealthy patterns of behaviour, thinking, and responding.’ It is interesting looking back upon my therapy sessions in discussing the trauma and realizing I had more control over my life than I thought. You see we tend to blame ourselves (silence keeps us a prisoner) for the violence and the blame belongs on the perpetrators, not the survivors.
It was a struggle from the time of the assault to truly believe in the power of my voice.
It was difficult at first to talk about the trauma and most people feel uncomfortable with the topic and confused as to giving support. Kindness, non-judgment, listening, validating are part of being supportive. Blaming and shaming only keep survivors stuck in their trauma
Tips for talking with sexual assault survivors.
“I believe you. / It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.” It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed. Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts—your job is to support this person. Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur—everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.
Sometimes the most powerful words are ‘I believe you.’
For me, the fear of not being believed kept me quiet, which is why I speaking up is part of what I do as a survivor and in helping others survive and thrive.
Encouraging them to seek help both emotional and physical. Why would I want someone to destroy my life considering I had relatives who lived to be 104 years old. Don’t you think that is a lot of misery, in giving up my power to an asshole, the perpetrator? It is important to find help as soon as possible with sexual assault and trauma counseling and support networks. Ending Violence Association of Canada has province by province support. Sexual Assault Centres, Crisis Lines, and Support Services.
Of course, the journey is easier said than done. Over the years there have been triggers, nightmares, PTSD which, I think have created the strongest parts of who I am today.
Viktor E. Frankl “Mans Search for Meaning” says ‘to find meaning in our suffering’
“We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement.“
Sounds easy? Viktor Frankl was an incredible person to find meaning in his suffering and loss during WW11 in the concentration camps. His message is for each of us because everyone has their challenges. Sexual assault survivors need to thrive. This takes awareness, mindfulness, courage, self-compassion as we find meaning in our suffering and trauma. I did it, it was and is a long journey but worth it and you can too.
As a police officer interviewing sexual assault victims, I was mindful of my own experience and recognized that victims do what they need to do to survive. It is the fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. No one really knows how they would respond until it happens to them. And it happened to me, a well-trained police officer…twice.
What Is Fight, Flight, or Freeze?
In the years since his research, physiologists and psychologists have developed and refined Cannon’s work, coming to a better understanding of how people react to threats.
Thus defining what is now called fight, flight, freeze, and fawn:
- Fight: facing any perceived threat aggressively.
- Flight: running away from the danger.
- Freeze: unable to move or act against a threat.
- Fawn: immediately acting to try to please to avoid any conflict.
Again, when one feels threatened, the body rapidly responds to the imminent danger. The underlying goal of springing into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, is to decrease, end, or evade the danger to return to a state of calm and control.
What Happens/How Does it Work?
You can possibly think of a time when you encountered the fight or flight or freeze or fawn trigger. Whether it was a physical danger (finding a predatory animal like a snake on a nature walk) or a psychological danger (asking someone out on a date), you may start breathing faster, you can feel your heartbeat quicken, and your whole body becomes tense – read to take action if necessary.
Unfortunately, the ‘fawn response’ is not clearly understood by police, and the justice system misinterprets this survival response as a willing subject, which it is NOT. There are at some hospitals specialized trained staff/nurses to treat sexual assault victims and this does not mean it is reported to the police merely they gather forensic evidence. Victims do what they need to survive the assault, they do what they need to do to carry on. However, I strongly encourage anyone who has experienced sexual violence yesterday, today or in your tomorrow, to call the police, make a report to have it documented in case you decide to go to court, get medical treatment, and that you seek professional positive help to assist you in finding your way forward and not remain a prisoner. To be violated by a co-worker shatters the sense of safety in the workplace. To be violated by a stranger creates a lifetime of mistrust of everyone. Had I gone for therapy immediately after the first assault often wonder if the second assault (co-worker and fellow RCMP officer) would have happened? There is no denying or changing our past. It was a long, long time to learn to forgive myself for not speaking up in the first place. Those agonizing questions of ‘did he do this to someone else?’ For years being an emotional prisoner in stuffing that pain and not addressing the trauma resulted in a long drawn out self-loathing. Finding my way forward to emotional freedom took time, a loving partner, and therapy.
From the book The Body Keeps the Score
By Bessel Van Der Kolk“We may think we can control our grief, our terror or shame by remaining silent, but naming offers a possibility of a different kind of control.“
“If you’ve been hurt, you need to acknowledge and name what happened to you.“
Speaking from experience the first time in therapy I mentioned the words rape, sexual assault concerning myself I nearly died of embarrassment and shame. I felt like a failure in protecting myself and a failure for not speaking up to possibly prevent more victims. These types of predators don’t stop at one victim. This was not my burden to bear. We need to remember that as a survivor it is the perpetrators who are criminals and responsible for this violence.
It’s never been my place nor would I ever judge a Survivor of sexual violence.
Like I said before people do what they need to do to survive. The huge problem survivors of sexual violence face are the fear of not being believed, being humiliated by officers, and it’s in the failure of our justice system in how they treat victims and the difference in how perpetrators are treated in court.
Our laws, judges, defense lawyers, Crown Prosecutors, and the justice system need to be revamped and better educated on how they treat sexual assault cases.
I think if you choose not to go to court, perhaps think about the civil court. This is something new and survivors are going just that! In Canada, there is no statute of limitations on sexual violence. That’s always been an option I have considered.
Over the years on the journey of recovery, I’ve created my self-care tool kit which helps with the triggers, hyper-vigilance, nightmares and dealing with PTSD. Creating your self-care tool kit for your mind, your body, your spirit, emotions, is the start of your journey of recovery to success and happiness. Looking back from today calling a crisis line (Klinic Sexual Assault Crisis Program) probably would have been very emotionally helpful but my thinking was that somehow as a police officer with a gun failed to protect myself and who would believe me, would I be judged as a failure? Because I kept quiet and held in this terrible pain it had a direct impact on my sense of worth as a police officer, a woman, and a parent. Of course, this road to recovery looks and feels different for everyone. It will look and feel different with the triggers each of you experiences over the years, the important thing is to learn and truly believe in the power of your voice.
As a survivor of sexual violence, the trauma does not define me, the perpetrators no longer have control over my life and future happiness. I may have PTSD but PTSD does not have me. Setting boundaries on events and the type of people I like to spend time with and be vulnerable. I define my own life today and my many tomorrows. Take care of yourself as you navigate through sexual violence. Seek out positive support and this could be the police, therapy, and medical supports.
PTSD-perseverance, tenacity, survivor, determination.
It’s your choice. Never give up your power to anyone, never allow anyone or events to destroy your life. If we do not feel comfortable talking about sexual violence then the perpetrators win in our silence, and I refuse to allow that to happen to me. Live your best life.
