Have you ever felt like a puzzle with pieces missing?
I have to admit as positive and energized as I usually am each day, December felt like a puzzle with pieces missing. You know one of those puzzles with 1000 itty-bitty pieces all very intricate. Maybe you can relate!
There are many things in life we can control, and so many things in life we cannot control. It’s important to remember the difference and the distinction between the two. Recognize when you are feeling ’empty’ and ‘can’t control. It happens to each of us at some point in life. If you think about it, life can be cruel and unfair. Yes unfair and bad things, terrible things happen to good people.
Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Everyone will have their own perspective and interpretation of what they feel when life gives them all sorts of stress, loss, sadness, illness, and trauma. Recently received some very disturbing news about family members and friends (who were close to me ) and the illnesses and tragedies that surrounded them. It seemed like a week of terrible news. This again is something I had no control over. Now responding to these events, and providing support for these individuals and their families takes a lot of emotional energy. This is something we can control. Knowing how to recharge your emotional fuel cells is something you need to do every day. Especially when you are dealing with stress, loss, sadness, illness, and trauma. A support person you have to take care of you. Remember your self-care tool kit? If you don’t have one, create tools and strategies that recharge your emotional and physical fuel cells every single day. The idea is to always remember what you can control and the difference between what you can’t control.
I went to visit some friends whose family member, whom I’m very close to and love dearly, has cancer. The prognosis is not great. Again this is something we cannot control. It was important to remain focused positive and emotionally strong for the family and friends who are also struggling. We cannot pretend everything is fine, acknowledge our fear and let ourselves be sad and scared. Talk to a professional if needed. Family needs their own support and a therapist/minister is best.
Self-care.
To do that it’s important to know how to recharge, rebuild and restore that emotional strength you need to do as a caregiver, and positive support person. The interesting thing was when I came home and I’m sitting in my house, alone, watching TV wondering why I was feeling like I’m a 1000 pieces of a puzzle blown apart in the wind. At this time I had an opportunity, with my inner thoughts to reflect on how difficult this will be going forward, and how to rebuild my own sense of self as I’m watching the sad things unfold around me. Again out of my control, mindful of what I could control was the beginning of rebuilding. Realizing the need to pull those pieces back together and trying to help them fit knowing, acknowledging, and accepting the new reality will be different, and that’s OK this is something I can control.
For example, it’s important to acknowledge and be aware and accept your feelings whatever they may be. I was on the bike a few weeks ago and I had this overwhelming sense of sadness I burst into tears while pedaling away on my spin bike. It was refreshing to let that pain out, to let that anger out, to let the sense of hopelessness out of my body as I was recharging at the same time. Self-care looks and feels different for everyone the idea is to be creative in how you take care of yourself both physically and mentally. That’s one thing we can control.
Cherish the moments with the people that you love because in reality there is no guarantee of a tomorrow. Life is a gift and so are you.
Something that is equally important is how you support your partner as they are also dealing with loss, sadness, illness, and trauma. Encouraging each other to stay positive, to remember the self-care tools and strategies can help you stay in control when you feel out of control of the situation. Grief is an individual journey. It sucks, there’s no way through grief that’s easy. It’s painful, it changes who we are and we struggle in our new reality without the people we love. It changes us as we watch someone we love ill or suffering.
In my mind, in the article in Psychology Today ‘What is Anticipatory Grief‘, How we Struggle to keep that which we are soon to lose.
Anticipatory grief is the process of grieving that starts prior to a loved one passing. It is the realization on a conscious or an unconscious level that a loss is or will be coming. The closer and deeper a relationship is, the higher the probability of anticipatory grief being present. On one level, it allows one to start processing the loss prior to the start of bereavement. To allow the mind to adapt to the situation and not have to face the utter shock of imminent death. During this time, the anticipatory grief, while allowing one to be present with the aspect of loss, provides a possibility of mindfully coming to terms with the dreaded reality. As there are no landmark rules for this process, the normal process is the reliance on one or multiple defense mechanisms to help us cope with the trauma.
Defense mechanisms are psychological strategies that are unconsciously used to protect a person from anxiety arising from negative thoughts or feelings. According to Freud, defense mechanisms involve a distortion of reality in some way to allow us to better handle our predicament. Some of the very normal but potentially maladaptive ones that come into play include denial, repression, projection, displacement and regression. We must also remember that all of these are unconscious and are not willed into existence willingly.
Never give up hope. Accept the things you cannot change and have the courage
to face the things that are impacting your sense of inner peace happiness and love.
“The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.”
― The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
“Mindfulness not only makes it possible to survey our internal landscape with compassion and curiosity but can also actively steer us in the right direction for self-care.”
― The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
