Her death, the loss have left a hole in our lives and we are forever thankful for her love over the years.

None of us is going to escape from experiencing grief/loss/sadness. With love there is grief. Recently experiencing the sudden loss of my sister-in-law, and, watching the ripple effect that has had on my loved ones, has made me realize how trauma can shape us or shift us in life. Life is a gossamer thread, fragile and beautiful.

Not everyone has effective coping skills, and when something tragic happens, people turn to drugs and alcohol to numb themselves to the emotional pain and feeling. And yet at the end of the day when they sober up, they’re right back where they started and struggling with their grief.   There is no easy way to deal with grief, It sucks. It’s horrible and physical, but we all have to go through it to get to the other side and reshape the new reality of life. In the article Psychology Today: Breaking the Chains of ‘I Should’ during grieving.

I still remember the powerful lesson from my clinical supervisor in graduate school, who remarked that “I should” will only lead to “sh*thood.” Yet when I suffered what people repeatedly described as an unimaginable loss—the sudden death of my son—I often resorted to “shoulding” myself through grief.

The Toll of “I Should”

We tend to set “I shoulds” for ourselves while grieving because we desperately want a sense of certainty when we don’t know how to live without our loved ones.

We cannot change the past. Try to forgive yourself and accept you did the best you could. I have observed the trauma of end-of-life complications of COPD. Watching my sister-in-law on a life-sustaining ventilator and her family struggling watching helplessly, and waiting for her to die was an experience I would never want anyone to experience or witness. As a police officer seeing victims of violence, and accidents was part of the job however it is completely different with family and our loved ones. Completely different more intense emotional roller coaster. My dad died well into his 90s and although I felt sad, the sense of grief was much less overwhelming. He was ready to go and had 26 years more than my sister-in-law. Again, I have to say they are experiences in our lives that really can shape and shift us in how we think about life. This death has been one of them.

Often people feel guilt and shame for what they could’ve done or didn’t do, second-guessing everything they did with this person their entire life. This type of second-guessing our lives and interactions with people only leaves anxiety and further intensifies the trauma.

It’s important to remember that people do the best they can with the tools that they have and their life experiences, when we’re interacting with people we are doing the best we can knowing that they are living their best life with the tools that they have. None of us is perfect.

Everyone will have made a wrong decision, raised their voices,  or negatively commented at some point in any relationship. We are human with human emotions that often may not make sense. Anyone who knew my sister-in-law would be dealing in their way with the loss.

Being a support person, watching someone you love suffer in grief, can be emotionally and physically draining. The important part is for the support person to maintain effective coping skills as they navigate their grief.  Each of us has to be mindful of our sadness and how we cope as we grieve. This will look and feel different for each of us. I know speaking from experience that fitness has helped me maintain a strong sense of self during this difficult time and also be emotionally present for my partner. It is okay to ask for some space too. Alone time to process feelings helps us as we grieve. Once you know how to fill your own ‘tank’ then you know what to do when it is empty. Self-care during times of trauma loss and stress is really important to navigate our intense emotional responses, especially during times of death.

Trauma can shift our perspective if we look for the good, and trauma can shape us if we look for the good. It is a choice in how we want to emerge from our grief. Allowing yourself to FEEL is important but also acknowledging if something is holding you back    ( guilt, shame, regret, self-doubt). Remember we all get frustrated and mad in all our relationships.

Once we lose someone there is that void both physical and emotional from all the energy used in the relationship and suddenly they are gone. We ask ourselves ‘Now what?’ No more phone calls, no appointments, messages, making suppers, shopping,  no stressful calls, it is all over.  A sense of emptiness can seem bleak and lonely.  Grief is an individual process and there are no time limits. Be mindful,  self-compassionate, and remember self-care, practice being self-forgiving. If you are struggling it is good to seek out professional counselling and call the crisis line.