Motivational Monday and patterns of behaviour. Choices, choices we all have choices. When was the last time you were happy? At home? At work? What is happening in your life that is not working? Do you feel like you are on that treadmill of misery where results stay the same? Do you recognize the same old, same old type of lousy relationships? Where life sucks?
Why do people stay stuck? Well for many reasons. Each of us is born innocent and quickly our life experiences and the people around in our sphere of influence began to shape our view of the world. Everyone has their own physical and mental limitations, family history, values, religion, morals, ethics, and life experiences which if you imagine put those in a blender and what an amazing combination. Beautifully unique. Most of us did not have families and perfect parents with creative communication and effective listening skills like Dr. Phil, but that does not mean we have to repeat the same negative or toxic patterns. Take the good lessons and seek to change the negative. The key is to recognize the healthy and unhealthy patterns. Sometimes these thought patterns become our implicit memory, our go to emotions, our instant reaction that affects our behaviours and thoughts.
For me, the experince of years of workplace bullying had damaged my self esteem to the point where I thought workplace violence was normal and I was useless. This negative thought pattern, my implicit memory filtered into the selection of partner and relationships. I wondered ‘why is this happening where can I find a ‘good partner’?After several years of disappointment, frustration and heartache and finally seeking professional help did I realize that the most common factor in all these relationships at work and at home was ME. I made the choice. Why? Sadly, because I believed that I was ‘less than worthy’ and that I did not ‘have the right to speak up’ about the workplace bullying and violence. Our self esteem takes a nose dive when we are bullied at school, home and in the workplace and that can ripple into all aspects of our life. Being curious also means being accouontable. Like I mentioned previously, the key is to recognize the pattern and take the steps to change it. Yes you can change any behaviour and it takes time and personal patience.
First thing is to be compassionate, forgive yourself and acknowledge none of us is perfect, we do the best we can with what tools and stratigies we have at any point in our life. Like any habit, change takes time. Yes I fell back a few times into old thought patterns and quickly recovered. The idea is to be curious and compassionate with yourself on your new journey.
Another tool was learning to boundaries. Boundaries on behaviours you would accept at home, with family, at work and in relationshps and behaviours you would NOT accept. No one has the right to abuse you and yelling is the fastest way to destroy a relationship, it is controlling and abusive behavior. Any yelling should be when the house is on fire or you won the lottery! Each of us has to decide what our own boundaries look like and how they may feel.
Learning to value yourself is a journey and certainly worth the time and effort. I like to enourage my clients to write out qualities they value about themselves and the qualities they want in a partner and then be curious about the ‘why, what is working and why/what is not’.
We cannot change others. The only thing we have complete control over is our attitude and the choices we make. Be curious, be compassionate and re-learn the value of you in all aspects of life to be empowered. Everyone deserves a safe place at school, work and home.