Difficult conversations. Dealing with grief, death and speaking up.
Can you have those difficult conversations, can you speak up about past pain while dealing with grief, death and letting go?
It is an individual choice and worth it while dealing with a loved one who is dying. Both can heal. Both have a choice.
There is one thing none of us can escape from during our time on earth. Death and grief.
As I watch my family, and there are many of us (35 sons, daughters, grandchildren, great-grandchildren), deal with aging parents in particular my father who is about to approach 97 years young, there are questions about our life probably never to be answered. It can feel like a roller coaster of different emotions. Feels like that to me on a few occasions.
Painful, learning and difficult conversations that need to be shared. Yet some want to avoid causing undue suffering and bad memories resurfacing.
These are things that we don’t want to talk about because it’s easier and less emotionally painful to ignore the problems of the past and the impact of those problems in today’s lives. Thinking ‘why to bother’ they won’t change, it is too late, it is over and a long time ago. What we repress we eventually express. Stress no matter where or when it happens gets stuck somewhere in our mind, body and soul.
There is no guarantee that the people we care about, the people who caused pain are going to be around tomorrow. It’s up to you to decide to have those conversations while people are still with you and able to effectively communicate. It doesn’t mean they will agree with you. Speaking up about your childhood issues and trauma, and how it has affected you in your life today, is your right as well an important part of the journey of healing. Because once someone dies talking to them, confronting them or comforting them, having that conversation is too late.
We are left with the pain, we are left with the trauma, anger, guilt, shame, we are left with the confusion and the resentment of not having spoken up.
Remember It’s not what we say it is HOW we say it. We can have that difficult conversation with someone, even with someone who’s dying. When we share our pain with the undertone of kindness our messages are more easily relayed, the pain is less intense, reactionless defensive and then letting go of the trauma is much easier. If you start with compassion it is easier to get to the crux of the conversation. We cannot change people. An “I” message can feel empowering. (For example: when you said/did this to me when I was 6, —-, I felt embarrassed/hurt/ashamed/humiliated/rejected). Make the choice to move forward no matter what the response.
If we can go to a place of curiosity and realize the people all have their own story, their life experiences, their coping skills, their communication skills their parenting skills have all come from their past, and the story behind the story. Everyone has their own challenges and we really don’t know what’s happening in someone else’s life unless we ask. We only see the results, not the causes. This also applies to our own family, grandparents, parents and siblings these dynamic relationships can carry some serious baggage. We are not responsible for what happens to us as children however we are responsible as adults and what we do with the knowledge of our childhood. Seeking out professional help if needed to move forward in life and not repeat any negative parenting patterns. This goes for all relationships.
It is an active choice.
Having those conversations with our parents/family/friends/coworkers takes tremendous courage for both parties. Being willing to move forward, let go, to forgive is an individual active choice that looks and feels different for everyone. Having a conversation with someone who’s dying, without judgments, confronting the trauma and pain they’ve caused does not mean you don’t care. For example: ‘ I want you to to know that when this —- happened to me, I felt —– and today/now I have let it go.’ ‘I forgive you for —‘ Frees you. Letting and allowing yourself to let go of the anger/pain/hurt/resentment. It can also help the other person who may for their own reasons to keep anger and resentment in their heart. Not a great place to be at the end of life.
A visit with dad at Betel under the restrictions of COVID
Speaking from experience expressing myself about my childhood was not easy and therapy has helped. Sharing has been one beautiful non-judgement way of growing closer to family and friends and releasing the burden of anger and pain. Everyone is doing the best they can with their own life skills, family dynamics, parenting, and life history.
Often people in many situations are completely unaware, not always, of the pain, they have caused, and having these conversations may be of emotional benefit to both. Life skills are not the same from generation to generation. This journey with dad has been an interesting one and yes lots of moments of feeling pissed off at him but also one of love and forgiveness in knowing how to set boundaries and no expectations. I cannot the past, nor can I deny it. I cannot change him but I certainly have control over my own attitude. We cannot change people we can only change how we react, how we respond and what we retain. Being kind without guilt.
Either way, you can say you said something, you addressed an issue that was unsaid for days, weeks, months, years. As the time comes to an end, I am wrestling with my own emotions from years past on negative thoughts and comments I made. It is important to be mindful of the way you treat someone today may not have been the way you treated them historically. Yes, this was me. I did that too. No one is perfect. I repeat, No one is perfect. We can learn a more loving way with the people we care about, family and friends when we learn better self-care and coping skills. Self-compassion and forgiveness are also important as we navigate through death and grief.
Trust me that’s empowering. Remember it’s not what you say it is how you say it. The intent behind the words.
The lonely dance with grief, the journey through that sadness is as individual as the people involved. The journey through grief takes time, and it doesn’t matter how old someone may be. The sadness and loss are just as profound.
Sharing, showing love means you are willing to be vulnerable at the most delicate times of someone’s life, as they die. None of the ;most powerful things I Amy have said to my dad was ‘Rest easy dad, I forgive you’. Thinking of the things you didn’t do or did do, the words you said, words you didn’t say, can fill us with regret making the navigation through grief more difficult. We have a choice in seeing what we learned from the relationship, to agree to disagree. To look at each other a compassionate lens, a forgiving lens and an accepting lens.
Death is a natural process. One that we will all experience at some point. None of us know how long we will live, none of us know what the end will look like. Most of us will be in a care home and that has added dimension of grief. The idea is to talk to the people you love and cherish, talk about issues that still bother you today. Talk about things that make you happy, energized. You’d be surprised how you feel after having those conversations and the less effect of that emotional pain. Why wait.
As I say goodbye to my father who thankfully passed in his sleep (September 11) with most of his family by his side, it is the roller coaster, I feel confident and comforted in the many difficult, learning happy conversations we have shared, the things I’ve learned about him, and the things he’s learned about me. Do I need acknowledgment? No. Would it make a difference if he acknowledged any pain caused over my lifetime? No! People in and out of our lives at all stages in life, take the gifts, the lessons not the pain.
As he lay in his bed, thankfully in no pain, there was a rush of emotion and tears spilled over my mask. These were tears of happiness not regret. Wanting him to feel free to go and not struggle in this life. His courage and determination is also part of our DNA and for that I feel grateful. His determination in life. Some thing each of us is blessed to keep. This last visit reading some of his favorite poems, playing some tunes from his youth made him smile and he recited and sang along with the words. It was indeed a powerful moment.
He has given me many gifts and for that, I am most grateful. The gift of fitness for life, a sense of humour, learning boundaries and compassion. Expressing one’s self is just that, about oneself to be free from the negative thoughts we had kept locked up inside. To embrace the love and joy of another. Letting go looks different for each of us. The journey through grief is a journey. If you can no longer speak with someone, writing/journalling our pain also is part of letting go/forgiveness/moving forward. Call it a forgiveness/letting go/moving forward letter. Read it and decide to keep it or burn it.
Death and grief are intertwined along the road of life. We cannot escape them we have to learn to live with them in a way where we feel heard, valued and able to find our own unique way to speak up and share with those who are dying, including ourselves. It is about self-awareness and compassion. There are no guarantees and for me, I cherish the people in my own life each day. The gift of another day with the people I love is indeed a gift. Family, friends and those I have yet to meet along the cobblestones of life.
