Nurturing Kindness: Setting Boundaries in Dealing with Exploitation
Exploitation is treating others unfairly intending to benefit from their work and efforts.
In a world where kindness is often celebrated, it’s disheartening to realize that some individuals take advantage of it. How many times have we felt like we were taken advantage of by a clever bully? Well, it happens to the best of us at any stage in life. The idea is to be mindful of our boundaries. People can be so clever, and charming or use guilt /shame to manipulate. Often we feel used, and angry at ourselves for being abused.
It’s not uncommon to find yourself in situations where your generosity and pleasing nature are exploited by others. I like to remind you that being kind is not an invitation to be a doormat at home or in the workplace. While it’s noble to be kind and accommodating, it’s equally important to establish and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself from being taken advantage of. Often we are not taught about boundaries and this is especially for women and girls as society conditions us to be ‘nice’ ‘polite’ and ‘don’t upset people’, like who created that bullshit rule!
Why?
Before diving into strategies for dealing with exploitation, it’s essential to understand why some people take advantage of kindness. There can be various reasons behind this behavior:
Opportunism: Some individuals exploit kindness simply because they see an opportunity to benefit from it without considering the consequences for others. This happened to me in the workplace as I was dealing with bullying.
Lack of Boundaries: Interestingly folks who take advantage of others don’t have any boundaries and certainly don’t respect those who do.
Manipulation: Cleverness, charm, and intentional aggression are part of the bully’s arsenal in manipulating others’ emotions, making them feel guilty for saying no or asserting their boundaries. Remember you have every right to change your mind, to say no without an explanation.
Insecurity: Bullying individuals are usually insecure and want to control others through intimidation. Insecure individuals may exploit kindness as a way to bolster their own self-esteem or feel more powerful.
Never too Late to Develop Boundaries!
Speaking from life experience I was under the illusion that if I was ‘nice and accommodating’ to everyone then life would be great. I was WRONG! Being nice made me a target, and being a good worker in the RCMP made me a target for bullying and violence. Targets are the good, dedicated high-performing workers anyone who is considered different or ‘the other’. Like does that make any sense? If you look around the assholes don’t get bullied, they are usually the bully. Those who have no boundaries usually try to exploit and manipulate others for their benefit. Establishing and enforcing boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and safeguarding your well-being. Boundaries serve as guidelines for how you expect to be treated and what behavior is acceptable to you. Sometimes we need to learn about what kind of behaviours /people we want to accept and those we do not. This is different for each of us because we are all different. Boundaries can change as well. Here’s why boundaries are important:
Self-Respect: No one likes to feel used or abused at home, school or in the workplace. Setting boundaries demonstrates that you respect yourself and your needs. It sends a message to others that you won’t tolerate being mistreated or taken advantage of. This can be challenging in the beginning.
Maintaining Balance: Boundaries help maintain a balance between giving and receiving in relationships. If we keep giving then we can very quickly feel empty, drained inside. Refilling that emotional and physical tank is in setting boundaries and self-care tools. They ensure that your kindness isn’t exploited to the point of exhaustion or resentment.
Preserving Energy: Boundaries help you conserve your emotional and mental energy, allowing you to focus on activities and relationships that nourish and uplift you.
Effective Communication: Establishing boundaries can be difficult for those who don’t have any. They may resent you saying ‘no’ when you always said ‘yes’. Clear boundaries promote open communication and mutual understanding in relationships. They eliminate ambiguity and prevent misunderstandings. Be true to yourself. It takes time to change any pattern of thinking and behaving.
A Few Helpful Strategies for Dealing with Exploitation
Dealing with people who take advantage of your kindness requires a combination of assertiveness, empathy, and self-care. Be curious about what might be happening for others this helps build bridges of understanding. Of course, this is not an invitation to be abused or bullied. Here are some strategies to help you navigate such situations:
Identify Patterns: Those closest to us know how to push our buttons. Learn to recognize these triggers. Be mindful of your patterns of thinking. Pay attention to recurring patterns of exploitation in your personal and professional relationships. Recognizing these patterns empowers you to address them effectively. I can remember creating an exit strategy for dealing with my one co-worker who enjoyed talking about sex in the office. I would not engage and simply move to another room and close the door. It was interesting his response when on the third night shift he asked why I moved into the office. My reply ‘if you cannot be respectful to women in this office if you continue to degrade women and expect me to laugh or agree I won’t and I am leaving.’ Did he stop no, however, he knew where I stood firm on avoiding vulgar behaviour.
Practice Assertiveness: Being assertive, especially for women can be uncomfortable. We are conditioned to go along and be nice. I hate that. Assertiveness involves expressing your needs, opinions, and boundaries in a firm yet respectful manner. Believe in your own opinion, keep learning, and keep your boundaries. Practice saying no when necessary and communicating your boundaries. This takes practice, self-awareness, and patience.
Clear Boundaries: Be firm and consistent with boundaries and communicate them assertively. Be specific (repeat them if necessary ) about what behavior is unacceptable to you and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed. Follow up with the consequences.
Say No and Learn to Say No: No never needs an explanation. Saying no is not selfish; it’s an act of self-care. Learn to recognize how you feel when you say yes and say no, what is happening inside? Don’t feel obligated to say yes to every request or demand. Give yourself an exit phrase or reason if you are feeling bullied or pressured into a decision. Prioritize your well-being and learn to decline requests that compromise your boundaries or values.
Limit Exposure: Set boundaries in your personal and professional life. Even with family boundaries are healthy. For example, set time limits on people and places for the benefit of your mental health especially if certain individuals consistently disregard your boundaries or exploit your kindness. This certainly works well for me.
Seek Positive Support: Try to avoid the moan-groan society and pity parade people. They are happiness vampires! Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or mentors who respect your boundaries and encourage your self-care efforts. Positive people energize us.
Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is about being patient and kind to ourselves. Dealing with exploitation can be emotionally taxing. Practice self-compassion by being kind to yourself and acknowledging that it’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being.
Our world needs more kindness to each other and to ourselves. Kindness is a beautiful quality, but it’s essential to balance it with self-preservation. Setting boundaries is like our own personal life policies on how we want to be treated. By practicing assertiveness, and effectively communicating your boundaries and self-care, you can comfortably deal with people who take advantage of your kindness and still have nourishing relationships. Everyone deserves to be treated how they feel is best for them. Sometimes we need to learn about boundaries ourselves and then teach others how to treat us in our personal and professional lives. Remember, your well-being matters, and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
“He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.” – Marcus Aurelius
