Domestic violence.

As a child, I never heard of domestic violence.

No one talked about it, we did not see any violence, from a child’s perspective that meant it didn’t occur and women were happily married and safe everywhere. Can you hear my sarcasm?

This was a wrong perception of the true reality and incredibly dangerous for women and girls in relationships with violent partners, having awareness of the signs of abuse. It was and is dangerous not having those serious conversations about what, who, how domestic violence starts and the fact it always escalates. The importance of explaining about victim shaming and blaming when it comes to domestic violence. That was never part of any narrative in my childhood.

I was 12 years old, on my way to my first babysitting job outside the home, first paid babysitting experience. It was for a young couple who lived at the airbase. They came recommended and I was happy to be able to have this experience babysitting outside my sister and brother. This couple had been referred to my mom by family friends.

I had no idea what was ahead that night. An event that would change the way I looked at the world. An abrupt reality checks into the traumatic world of domestic violence. For the first time, saw the brutality of men who abuse their partners.  Looking back, perhaps this was a seed planted as a future career as a police officer and to help women and those in abusive/bullying relationships. There is a fine line between an attentive partner and a stalker, a fine line between a conversation and intimidation with yelling swearing and humiliation. It can be in the little things, the pokes, punches, shoves, and negative comments that quickly escalate.

My ride was a man in his 30s, well-dressed well-spoken driving a nice car nothing to indicate he was dangerous. Looking back I will still say there was nothing to indicate he was dangerous.

You see this is an important lesson, to be aware of people who are violent because they look like everybody else acts like everybody else, It’s only when they are in the safety of their own home, the violent monster rears its ugly head. There are always clues if we listen, observe, are curious and acknowledge the true behaviour and not the excuses or take the blame.

My parents spoke to him about the children, how long they would be at the event, and who would be driving me home. He indicated either it would be him or his wife driving me home at about 1 am. This couple was heading to a get-together birthday party with friends in the area.

It was a quick five-minute ride from my parent’s place to this first babysitting adventure.
He introduced me to his wife, a petite dark-haired very beautiful young woman and their two children, an infant about 8 months and an active toddler.

After learning about schedules, bottles, snacks, and bedtimes, the couple departed. And my baby seeing it adventure began. I have to say I had an awesome time looking out for this little toddler who was full of questions and love to play. After snack time he was ready for bed and it was awesome to have full control of the TV. This was something completely new having six siblings fighting for tv supremacy.  In the world of today, everyone has a phone, a laptop or an iPad watching different shows is no longer an issue.

Around 11:30 PM the front door burst open and the mother was standing in the doorway nursing a bleeding nose. She looked dazed, talked out loud as if I wasn’t there, “that’s the last time he’s going to hit me, I’m not gonna take it anymore.”

Then as if realizing she was not alone, looked at me with tears in her eyes and said “I need your help.”
Being a terrified twelve years old worried this monster might be returning, ‘what do you need me to do?’

She was darting about the house grabbing suitcases, and mumbling to herself, sadness overwhelmed the entire home. We were both afraid he was going to come home and time to escape was of the essence. She asked me to take one of the suitcases and fill it full with the baby clothes and do the same thing for the other child. Both children were sleeping completely oblivious of how the world was about to change.

It seemed an eternity and yet it was only five or ten minutes before the four or five bags were packed and stuffed into the car. We each took a child and put them in the vehicle and left. I was never so happy to leave a place as I was that night.
She gunned it out of the driveway, down the street and towards my home. The fear in the car was palatable. The children sleeping soundly in the backseat. She kept mumbling “he’s never going to hit me again he’s never going to hit me again.”

Words escaped me and it was her declarations and courage that I admired.

Quietly adding, ‘I am sorry, you deserve better’. She started to cry.

As she drove up into our driveway, she opened her wallet and gave me $20 which to me was more than I expected.

As I was about to exit the car I turned, looked at her straight in the eyes and said ‘good luck’. She asked me not to say anything. And I never did.  Thinking back had I said something would that have changed her circumstances if she returned? Would it have helped that her friends knew of the abuse? Would it have helped anyone? The answer is yes. Being forewarned is being forearmed with the right tools to deal with life circumstances.

Had there been a conversation about abusive relationships the perhaps I would have been spared and emotionally abusive partner. Although it was only a few months, clearly the signs were there and I missed them completely blaming myself for the ‘misunderstandings’ for ‘being too sensitive’ for ‘being suspicious’.  You see even as a police officer was conned into an unhealthy relationship. Sadly with another police officer.  After falling into that abusive mind-trap it took a few months before I realized he had no communication skills, was a bully and was never going to be what I wanted in a partner. This was his shit to deal with, not mine.  Lessons learned!  During an emotionally vulnerable discussion, he would close his eyes and stop talking as if disappeared then pretend everything was fine as if it’s my fault. Insulting or what!  Learning about boundaries on behaviours I would accept or not accept, in relationships, family and the workplace helped navigate the journey to healthy patterns of awareness and loving relationships.

Thinking back to the babysitting experience, her parting words to me were more of a reflective observation “never believe a man when he hits you then  says he’s sorry.”
I never forgot her powerful heartbreaking message, the look in her eyes and the innocent children still asleep in the backseat. Emotional and physical abuse leave life long scars, some on the outside and some on the inside of the victims.

What is domestic violence and abuse?

When people think of domestic abuse, they often focus on domestic violence. But domestic abuse includes any attempt by one person in an intimate relationship or marriage to dominate and control the other. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” An abuser uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb.

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone; it does not discriminate. Abuse happens within heterosexual relationships and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more often victimized, men also experience abuse—especially verbal and emotional. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether from a man, woman, teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Imagine the courage it takes to stay in an abusive relationship, for your children for financial reasons, everyone has their reasons. And now imagine the courage it takes to leave, to leave in the middle of the night with your two children and all your possessions in five or six suitcases.

To me, that is tremendous courage and we need to support women, girls and those who are escaping abusive partners.

Emotional and verbal abuse

People stay for all their reasons. For me, I thought I could change this man. Never going to happen, folks! Never!  It took time, and the guidance of a good therapist, to realize the only person I can change is me and the only person I can make happy is me.  Think about that next time you take responsibility for another person’s happiness. That’s their job. In case you are wondering neglecting your partner is a form of abuse.  We all can relearn how to value ourselves.  We can relearn self-care tools and strategies for happiness.

Have a conversation, ask the questions with family and friends on how do we even know if it is abuse, how can we see or recognize the signs?

You may be experiencing emotional or verbal abuse if someone:

• Wants to know what you’re doing all the time and wants you to be in constant contact

• Demands passwords to things like your phone, email, and social media and shows other signs of digital abuse

• Acts very jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating

• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family

• Tries to stop you from going to work or school

• Gets angry in a way that is frightening to you

• Controls all your finances or how you spend your money

• Stops you from seeing a doctor

• Humiliates you in front of others

• Calls you insulting names (such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” “worthless,” “whore,” or “fat”)

• Threatens to hurt you, people you care about, or pets

• Threatens to call the authorities to report you for wrongdoing

• Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you

• Says things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can”

• Decides things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat)

Abusive relationships cause damage to our self-esteem, in the slow process of the chip, chip away, it is an erosion of our self-worth that can last a lifetime destroying our mental and physical health. We may escape only to repeat the same pattern. Sometimes professional support will change this mindset, give us the tools to recognize abusive personalities, give us the tools to see the signs early and learn how to create and have healthy respectful patterns for relationships.

Bullies /abusers count on victims taking the blame, all the blame. They like to control, dominate, humiliate and use brutality to keep us in line.

Has this ever happened to you, gaslighting?  The abuser lie, deny and blames you, calls you crazy, makes you doubt your memories.

Gaslighting” is the word used when an abuser makes you feel like you are losing your mind or memory.

An abuser might:¹

• Deny an event happened
• Call you crazy or overly sensitive
• Describe an event as completely different from how you remember it

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that abusers use to maintain power and control. When a victim is questioning her memories or her mind, she may be more likely to feel dependent on the abuser and stay in the relationship.

Gaslighting happens over time, and you may not notice it at first. Learn how to get help if you feel gaslighting is happening in your relationship.

This is an unpleasant experience at home or in the workplace. I had to deal with this type of abuse in my workplace.   Guess what you deserve better, your children deserve better and please reach out for help.

On a personal note, with the instructions/compassion/encouragement/guidance/awareness/information/counselling from a therapist it was a journey that helped me with self-awareness and in finding tools for happiness in breaking my unhealthy patterns in relationships.

Recently I decided to share the story with my husband about 12-year-old babysitting me who witnessed such a traumatic event. We discussed the increase in domestic abuse because of the COVID 19 lockdown.

Reports of domestic abuse and family violence have increased around the world since social isolation and quarantine measures came into force. Recently, anecdotal evidence from the United States, China, Brazil, and Australia indicates increases in intimate partner, women, and children violence due to isolation and quarantine (Campbell 2020; Peterman et al. 2020; van Gelder et al. 2020).

Over the years I have often wondered how their life unfolded and hoped she made it! Hope she never went back to that asshole. Hope her children grew up in a loving safe home and found happiness and success. Hope they picked partners who loved, valued and were respectful. Hope they did not repeat the violent pattern. I have hope. There is hope.

Impact on children?

Impact of Family Violence on Children

Children who live in situations of family violence can suffer immediate and permanent physical harm, even death. They can also experience shortand
long-term emotional, behavioural and developmental problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder.

In 6 out of 10 cases of physical and sexual abuse, the victims have considerable problems with behaviour, negative peer involvement, depression and anxiety, violence to others, developmental delays, irregular school attendance, and inappropriate sexual behaviour. It is now known that witnessing family violence is as harmful as experiencing it directly. Often parents believe that they have shielded their children from spousal violence, but research shows that children see or hear some 40% to 80% of it. Children who witness family violence suffer the same consequences as those who are directly abused. In other words, a child who witnesses spousal violence is experiencing a form of child abuse.

Children mirror their reality. If they grew up were hitting, yelling swearing was part of the lifestyle then they are going to repeat the same patterns.  We can relearn to have a better understanding and awareness of our past to break that cycle of violence.

Let’s keep the conversation going about domestic violence and how we can support the families that flee their homes.

And she is right, never believe someone when they say they’re sorry after they hit you because guess what they will do it again. We cannot change anyone. No one has the right to abuse you at home or in the workplace.

Speak up, your voice counts and then speak up for those who remain silent. Be a role model for your children by showing them a loving healthy non-violent relationship. A happy loving home sets everyone up for success.

Healing takes time. Be safe, seek out positive supports, remember self-compassion on the journey as we acknowledge the abuse ( it is the internal wounds that take the longest healing), set up for success ( this looks and feels different for everyone) set firm boundaries in the type of behaviours you accept and behaviours you will not tolerate ( this looks and feels different for everyone).

Show your children what to do to be safe if they become entangled with an abusive partner. It never too late to have these conversations.

Ask questions, be curious about your relationship. It is the little things we tend to dismiss.

A ‘sorry’ after yelling or a hit then it happens again is not the action of someone who is truly sorry.  Once is a mistake, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern of behaviour.  

Seek out the help you are not alone. If you see something speak up.