What do I mean by full circle being a journey?
What do I mean by full circle being a journey? This picture marks the day I received the 20 year long service medal as a police officer in the RCMP. Standing with me is my daughter and my Auntie Allie.
Looking at this photo from 2009, it seems a life time ago and little did I know that mentally I was suffering from what would later be diagnosed as PTSD. The series of events over the 20 year career have left scars, in some cases deep physical and emotional scars. During those years it was a journey of the good, the bad and the terrible. We are who we are from our life experiences, these shape who we become but what I eventually came to discover, they do not have to define our future success or happiness. Today, I like who I am, some of the most challenging events have created the best parts of me in the journey of moving forward.
You are probably asking “WHAT?”
Yes, along the winding road of workplace conflict, the years of speaking up about systemic problems of sexual harassment and bullying in the RCMP, thinking I was alone, the hope to help others speak up, provide education on workplace violence and leadership, I was in fact healing me. Taking these negative experiences, step by step moving forward and channeling, replacing this energy from anger and pain into something positive, helping others, thereby helping the RCMP.
It was not and is not easy living with PTSD.
Some days are really difficult with triggers of old wounds. Yet, part of moving forward is recognizing and dealing with the negative thoughts/ feelings before they take over our minds, focusing on little positive things and using our self care ‘tool kit’ for better mental health. We cannot move forward if we keep one foot in the past, stuck in our misery. Everyone deals with a trauma differently. Victims need positive supports and resources. For me I did not want to stay rooted in negativity, missing out on family, friends, life. Allowing the grieving process (for my career , shoulder injury, violence) to wash over the scars like huge waves became a release of the anger and sense of letting go. This took time and more time. I kept waiting to forget everything to be normal again. I am still waiting. We don’t forget what happened we can adjust to the new normal and still be happy. Is this forgiveness? Maybe for some yes for others no, but we have a choice, I made the active choice, and this is an individual active choice to get out of my own comfort zone of being a victim and helpless to a find place of inner peace, acceptance and empowerment.
Since 2009, having survived and moving to thriving, helping others became one of my personal goals. It has not been easy for both my personal and professional life but having the right ‘tools’ certainly is beneficial.
Many of those days have been just bloody awful. I focus on the importance of speaking up, if no one says anything then nothing changes. Being silent allows for more victims and we become part of the problem. How could I remain silent and not help the RCMP? There are good people who could benefit from this knowledge and my experiences. Helping others is healing in helping, empowering others is empowering.
Remaining locked in anger and pain was not an option finding my voice was the journey. It has been a ‘full circle’ from those first innocent days at the RCMP training academy, the years of workplace abuse, to the years of fighting with leadership, to speaking up and healing and finally helping others, helping the RCMP. I firmly believe the RCMP has the power to change and can change. Would I want to re-live my life and change it? No, I am who I am today because of these events. We learn from each other and once you know something we cannot un-know it. Understanding our past is part of the acknowledgement and awareness of making those decisions to move forward and seeking help from inside and outside resources. I am happy to be part of the next journey.