I left a violent relationship, now what?

I left a violent relationship, now what?

Remind yourself every day, that you are a courageous person! Put up positive notes that remind you of that courage!

It takes tremendous courage to leave a violent relationship. Sometimes it can take years. Everyone has their own reasons staying or leaving(fear, financial, pets, children, work, threats) many reasons and what they need is love, support, professional help and non-judgements or criticism such as ‘we all knew he was a brute’,  ‘why did it take you so long?’  Comments like that are not helpful but incredibly shameful and emotionally devastating.

The journey of rebuilding is in many stages and steps and it can seem overwhelming. Victims need time and more time, professional guidance, maybe medication for depression and anxiety, police reports, protection orders in some cases, custody orders for children and lots of help navigating their own emotional storms.

What is next?  Depends where you live? Locally we have an excellent women’s resources centre. 

Seek out local women’s resources if they are available to begin navigating the road to recovery, legal processes if needed, police reports and safety. There is no one size fits in recovery. The diversity of needs is different for each person and requires a tailor-made plan. Domestic violence happens everywhere,  all classes of society,  education, geography and the impact on the victims are destructive, dangerous and destroys our sense of self-worth. Rebuilding our confidence, our self-esteem, trusting our judgements and valuing our opinions takes time. Learning and re-learning to set firm boundaries takes time. All this takes time and more time, professional help, love and support. Yes, you can do it! You are worth it!

From the website Battered Women’s Support Services article 

 

Leaving an intimate partner who is abusive can be one of the hardest things a person does. But after they are out of your life, many times, you may experience feelings of depression, guilt, anger, loss and sadness.

There is no right way to feel or heal after you leave an abusive partner.

It may be hard to stop thinking about your old relationship. It’s completely normal to feel this way, and often it can feel like leaving the relationship was the wrong decision. In relationships where your partner is abusive, it is common for partners to spend the majority of their time together. Also, people who are abusive have likely made you feel that you are not worthy of having friends or dating anyone else. When the relationship ends it can be easy to feel like there is no one else who cares about you.

Abusers can play the ‘poor me’, ‘if you leave I am going to kill myself, how could you break up our family’ card as manipulation and control.

It’s likely that your abusive partner made you feel guilty about breaking up and made threats to keep you fearful of ending the relationship. So a lot of the negative feelings you have after a break up are the result of the abuse that happened in the relationship. The important thing to know is that it’s OK to feel that way: your abusive partner made you feel that way.

 

Build a positive and strong network of support, good listeners, professional help is important to deal with those intense emotions and sadness you rebuild your life. Often the abuser controls every decision and it can be really scary and difficult to decide what you want to do, eat, go or visit. Be patient on your healing journey.

A break up can be overwhelming but just know that you have already taken a difficult step to leave an abusive relationship. As time goes on, feelings of sadness will lessen. Know that’s it not your fault for feeling this way, that it is OK to have these feelings, build a strong support network, and pursue your interests, these negative feelings will start to fade. If you ever feel like you have no one to turn to, BWSS is here to support you.

CRISIS + INTAKE LINE: 604.687.1867 Toll FREE: 1.855.687.1868

 

On a personal note, I remember having to re-learn the definition of a ‘healthy relationship’. As a child, that message of being a virgin, always nice and polite, conforming to other people’s needs and wants was a recipe for disaster and a potential victim of abuse.  Yes, I had to re-learn, go to therapy take the time to heal. This looks different for everyone the hope is that you keep learning and redefining who you are and the boundaries on the loving, respectful relationship you deserve.

There are often long-term residual triggers and trauma from surviving a violent relationship. From the article by Mariana Bockarova in Psychology Today 

At 17, Katie unknowingly entered into a terribly abusive relationship. With every disagreement, she suffered being cruelly insulted or screamed at, while having objects thrown at her, and, at times, even a fist. A decade later, while she now finds herself in a safe and loving relationship, a disagreement resulting in his frustration triggers Katie into thinking the worst: Her brain and body act out old narratives, except now with the agency she didn’t have at 17, her fear-laden brain not subconsciously understanding the difference between the consequences of a disagreement then and now. In her mind, conditioned by years of earlier abuse, a disagreement could cost her more than just her dignity, but indeed, her life, and so, she shuts down and mentally, if not physically, flees.

For abuse victims, which comprise a staggering nearly 25% of all women (Black, 2011), new healthy relationships require a new set of skills and a new understanding: What a loving relationship entails; what safety means; what is considered ‘normal’ when disagreeing; how to let go of the past; and how to cope in a way that’s healthy, among many other new lessons and skills.

With professional guidance and a positive support system, survivors can begin to develop a new set of skills and awareness on what is a lovely relationship. It takes time, self-care, patience and more time. It is not easy but so worth the effort. You are a survivor and you can make it.  Never give up.

In moving forward from abusive relationships, unfortunately and unjustly, the responsibility to heal from the relationship is left with the person who has suffered the abuse. This means examining and working on minimizing how past triggers, like a disagreement, affect your safe relationships today, and developing healthier responses to stress. As with any change, it will take time, patience, and practice, but healthier, and happier relationships are on the horizon.

 

As you begin to find your voice, to heal the physical and emotional scars, to see your value it is important to be aware there will be triggers, grief, sadness, self-doubt and a sense of loss of what could have been along the journey. With professional positive supports, the gloomy clouds will slowly clear. Changing our pattern of thinking takes time in re-establishing healthy boundaries and future loving relationships.

As the illuminating book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dutch psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk notes, however, one of the antidotes to avoidance coping or symptoms of PTSD is a loving touch, listening ear, trusting soul, and safe social connections who provide gentle words and consistency of kindness and acceptance.  Indeed, perhaps this gentleness will translate into an acceptance of the past situation and forgiveness for the abuser him or herself, which has been shown, in formal therapies concentrating on forgiveness instead of anger or assertiveness, to significantly lower depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms (Reed & Enright, 2006).

I read this book and found it a fountain of information that resonated with my own experiences. At the beginning of my own journey, I kept picking the same type of people and it was only with professional help did I recognize the unhealthy patterns and begin to focus on qualities that were respectful, caring, loving and non-violent. This took time and it has been a journey along the way to this very day. I will not accept yelling or screaming unless the house is on fire or we won the lottery. I will not accept a partner who is unfaithful, controlling, shaming or blaming.

It takes time in rediscovering our sense of worth and opinions.  From the article ‘Why am I struggling to move on from Abuse?’

Although it may difficult, this is the time that you need to focus on you and your own happiness. You never did anything to cause this and you deserve to be happy and feel safe.

What you went through is not who you are.

Healing is a process and through it, you will remember how strong, capable and extraordinary you really are. You will have good and bad times, but every day free from abuse is another piece of yourself that you get back and, eventually, those pieces will come together.

Re-establish your sense of safety.

This means feeling confident that your ex won’t harm you anymore (whether that’s by cutting off contact, getting a protective order or even moving) and beginning to find stability in everyday life. Stability looks different for different people. Sometimes it’s just getting back into your school routine again. If you’re older, it can mean finding a steady job and feeling financially secure.

Give yourself some time to grieve.

It’s normal to feel sad or angry for a while. It’s important to let yourself experience those feelings and to let them out, rather than bottling them up. There are lots of healthy ways you can do this — journaling, writing poetry or songs, creating art, exercising or dancing. In addition to being expressive, all of these activities can slowly help to restore your sense of power over your own life. They can remind you of your strengths and the beautiful things you are capable of creating.

Grieving is a process and looks and feels different for everyone. Some folks take longer than others and that is okay, it is not a race it is a journey to empowerment.

Reconnect with ordinary life.

It can be difficult to remember what life was like before an abusive relationship. You may feel emotionally closed off, and it can be hard to trust people again. Your ex-partner may have even physically isolated you from your friends and family, and you feel you have no one to turn to or that nobody could understand what you have been through.

There are always people to help. You are not alone!

Having fun again may feel strange and uncomfortable because of the abuse and control. Time to let go of the fear, confusion and reconnect with family, friends, co-workers, develop old or new hobbies, school and learning new things, creating a self-care tool kit that fits with who you are and it does not have to cost money.

Re-establishing your own boundaries, happiness, that sense of safety and moving forward will look and feel different for everyone. Surround yourself with positive supportive folks. Your past relationship(s) does not define you, only you can do that and with self-compassion, professional help you are going to recreate a more positive future. Never give up on yourself.

Sometimes it is one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one therapy appointment at a time on the healing journey. You are not alone. You can do it!!