PTSD, recovery and the journey from suicide to living again!
How many people feel comfortable talking about suicide and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Not many. That is the ongoing obstacle for those struggling with mental health illnesses like PTSD. It is incredibly important to see and recognize our signs of depression and the downward spiralling to a place of helplessness and hopelessness. Let’s talk about mental health let’s talk about depression let’s talk about PTSD let’s talk about recovery. Let us save lives.
I think it’s really important that we continue to have conversations about depression.
Quite often people don’t even realize they are sinking into a deep depression until it’s often way too late and they’re standing on the precipice of suicide and wanting to die. A terrifying experience. It was a slow process into a deep depression. I had self tools, obviously not enough without professional help, and noticed baking, family, friends, exercise did not lift that sense of darkness and sadness. Not wanting company yet feeling afraid to be alone. It was a confusing time, several weeks turned into months. With my partner away working I was embarrassed to share these feelings of despair. Looking back he had to be told and would have given me much emotional support in recovery. They are and continue to be my greatest support.
Support looks and feels different for everyone and me, I was needing a place to be safe to cry, express and let go, to have a good listener, not a person judging or trying to ‘solve or save me’.
I remember very clearly the moment when ‘falling asleep’ was better than being alive. In those few minutes, it was not ‘suicide’ just the need, overwhelming need to fall asleep and feel nothing. No pain, no stress, no sadness only the blackness of sleep. Yes, this was suicide and no waking up. There were pockets of ‘fun’ or ‘happiness’ but the cloud of depression made it nearly impossible to see the love in life, the joy in life.
Thankfully there was that split second, a sober second thought and I stepped back. reaching out for professional help was important on the journey to recovery. Being alive is the gift of life! I am here today trying to live the best life I can despite PTSD and the emotional scars. It is a reminder to be aware our scars remind us where we have been and do not have to define future happiness and success. It is an individual choice. I have chosen life. The journey of recovery is about time, self-care tools, perhaps medications are needed and positive supports. We cannot rush the process.
Sadly we have had friends, family and co-workers who don’t get that sober second. As I look around at my family and friends I see people struggling with the current Covid crisis as well as events that are happening in the world. We cannot change them nor deny they have occurred people yes there is lots of suffering. Ask them what they need, let them know you are there to be a soft shoulder and listen without judgement. Feelings are feelings and they do not have to make sense and they can be intense. I remember feeling like a wounded dog who just wants to go under the table and lick its wounds, with someone lovely sitting with me in silence, holding my hand in support. Support looks different for each of us. Be curious and ask what they need. It may be different from what we expect.
What is equally important is to recognize and have your tools and strategies for good physical and mental health. The only person who can take care of your mental health is you the only person you can change is you. The only person who can create your self-care tool kit is you. To me, I think that is incredibly empowering.
It can be as simple as going for a walk, painting your nails, phoning up a friend having coffee over the Internet, jogging on the spot. It doesn’t require money only creative thinking and a positive attitude. If we don’t have self-care tools when we are feeling emotionally and physically healthy, then we can’t reach into those tools and strategies when we are dealing with depression.
I remember several years ago a friend of mine who was dealing with depression, did not want to go for help, and they continued to struggle. Trying to help a person in denial was difficult we had to be supportive and watchful. It did not take long until they were in a deep depression and left a suicide note. Thank God they didn’t take that step, that final step to which there is no return. And I am reminded of how traumatic and damaging a suicide can be for those who are left behind. It is the ripple effect of tragedy. First, the person who has made that choice and the suffering they have experienced. Then it’s the family who loves that person, unanswered questions and profound pain and confusion. Friends, coworkers have to struggle with the ‘what should I have done?’ questions. Anyone who ever knew the person is also at a loss in the tragedy.
Suicide is not a solution never give up. Never give up. Never give up. You don’t know tomorrow you might have a better day but if you end it today there are no tomorrows. Triggers may come and go and it is important to recognize them and panic/anxiety attacks. It seems years and yet only a few months since I had a panic attack. I was approaching someone who had caused me great emotional turmoil and as I could see them, my heart began to beat incredibly fast, breathing increasing, sweating palms, a sense of nausea overwhelming and thoughts of running from the store. In those few seconds, I recognized the sensations of a panic attack, started to do deep breathing, reminding and reassuring words in my head that ‘I am fine, I can handle this person, they do not have any power over me, all is well.’ It took a few minutes to internally calm down as we met face to face. It was with great personal courage to be polite, civil and walk away. It was also empowering. Each time facing these triggers and painful memories it is a small step in moving forward. Yes, I still get triggers. Self-acknowledgement and praise are important for growth not shaming for running out of the store.
We learn all the time about how and what works best for us as we continue on the road of depression, anxiety disorders and PTSD. For some who experience a panic attack running from the store was the right thing to do, maybe the next time they will be able to handle things differently. The idea is to practice self-compassion and self-encouragement. It takes time to become ‘proficient’ in recognizing triggers, panic attacks. It is a process I continue to work on as each day holds different and unique experiences.
For me, it is my life mission to speak up about workplace bullying, mental health and PTSD recovery. Share those lessons so that you do not have to suffer. There are more and pockets of happiness and joy on this path living. Less and less dark days and feelings. I am thankful every morning I wake up, to get up and have the gift of another day. Thankful for my loving partner. Thankful for the house and time with the people I love. Taking care of our physical health also benefits our mental health. Fitness allows us to be thankful for our health.
It is a joy listening to the trees, the leaves rustling in the gentle breeze, the buzzing of the bees and songs from the birds perched on the tall trees. The lovely fields and different colours of crops growing, the laughter of children, the amazing clouds in the sky. Getting in my car and going for a drive and turning up the radio and listening to tunes.
I am thankful for every day of life. Thankful for the years of love and laughter, birthdays, giggles, celebrations and accomplishments of my daughter. And I hope and my goal is for you to read this and step back from that precipice to choose to live.
If you don’t have a self-care tool kit or nothing is making you feel better, if you’re wondering what to do, if you were thinking suicidal please there are numbers crisis lines, online supports to call, you can seek positive support, have a safety plan. Call 1.833.456.4566 | Text 45645. Please reach out for help.
Have a safety plan with family, friends who you can call anytime day or night to reach out for positive support. Mental health is not something to be embarrassed or ashamed because at some point in our lives everyone will experience some sort of depression. You are not alone never give up.
People ask about flashbacks. Flashbacks are common and not a pleasant experience. Often the flashbacks also have those intense emotions, as if the event has just occurred, the smells, tastes, touch and hearing. The five senses are alive with the memories and it sucks. My flashbacks often revolve around trust and betrayal from years of workplace bullying and violence. Nightmares are all too common and in the light of day, reliving the fears again takes time (sometimes days) to recognize and reassure ‘I am safe, surviving the worst of it’ and self-care in relaxing the physical tension. Again it is in the tools and strategies you have created such as calling up a friend and letting them know about your flashback, seeking our professional help, journaling, going for a walk, Yoga, meditation, weeding the garden, cleaning/organizing a drawer or a room ( this is not only productive I always ‘feel in control and less anxious’) Often it is the intense flashback of not being in control especially with sexual assault. Find your way to feel in control works for me and perhaps being aware can help them moving forward from the flashback. As time moves along these are less and less and yet when it happens, holy crap, it is terrifying. Remember do not self-shame, it is a journey of patience!
It is a journey of over 10 years along the cobblestones of life in dealing /living with PTSD, the triggers and all the memories that come. There are good days and not so good days. But I am alive. Covid 19 has added a new dimension to those dealing with depression and PTSD because we are often alone and seeking out a friend for a face to face a cup of coffee is impossible. It is in these connections where people can benefit and not feel so alone and hopeless. However, a screening visit is not the same as a human touch. As the days and years continue, there are times when it can feel overwhelming and this is when I use my self-care tool kit and a therapist, positive supports, and courage. Sometimes wondering will I ever be ‘normal’? Like who defines normal. It is a new reality and we can learn to live again, to love ourselves again and love others. We are who we are from the events and people who have challenged us the most. Never give up on you!
Let’s talk about mental health let’s talk about depression, let’s talk about PTSD let’s talk recovery. Let us save lives.