Listening is the greatest part of communication.

How many of you, and I’m sure that everyone reading this blog, has had a conversation with someone where we felt at the end of the conversation the other person didn’t hear a word. Sound familiar?  Although they were silent and listening, however, they weren’t active listening. There is a difference.

Active listening requires concentration and self-control in keeping your mind free of other thoughts, and how you want to respond to what you are hearing from the other person. For example, if someone is sharing a story and you immediately think they’re wrong about something, your brain starts to formulate an answer. Unfortunately, because you have already started formulating a response/rebuttal/reaction you have missed out on the remainder of what they were saying. Hearing the words and the meaning behind them, active listening require paying attention, being curious, paraphrasing, asking questions for clarification, body language speaks volumes, eye contact, non-judgement

From the article in Psychology Today: Why Active Listening, Why active listening is Important, and how to do it.

Active listening is a way of listening that involves full attention to what is being said for the primary purpose of understanding the speaker. It is an important skill set for many different circumstances, ranging from the therapist’s office to the business world. If we are not listening actively, we are likely to miss the real message.

This ineffectual listening causes so much misinformation, hurt feelings, damage to relationships, accidents, workplace mistakes, wrong assumptions in all our relationships.

There can be great communicators. People who can convince us what to do, say, vote and feel certain things, to buy products, to enlist and sign up for events. Yet they can be terrible listeners. Listening and communicating are in my opinion, equal in establishing healthy relationships and healthy boundaries in respecting each other’s communication styles. Listening allows us to see another perspective. Could be right could be wrong but it’s another perspective. We may or may not agree but we are listening which is a sign of respect. Everyone deserves that respect. It’s the ripple effect of good communication and kindness. Active listening builds trust in relationships where each person feels ‘heard’.

Leadership

Listening styles are different. From Padraig Coaching and Consulting.

How we physically and emotionally show up to others can have a big impact on whether or not they felt heard. I’m sure we’ve all had a time when we were speaking with someone and they said they were listening but they were looking elsewhere or clearly off in their own world.

Try these tips to demonstrate your listening style:

• Make eye contact. Try hard to “digest” the words as you hear them. Listen for the themes and the threads.
• Use body language such as subtle nods when you feel you understand, leaning in when you’re listening closely, arms uncrossed.
• Pay attention to their body language. Are they worried? Uncomfortable? Eager? Pleased? Tie in their body language to their verbal cues to better understand their intent.
• Don’t multitask. It’s tempting in this digital era, to try to finish that last email as you listen (can you hear it: “Go ahead, I’m listening, I just have to get this email sent…”) or to steal a glance when your phone makes that “Ping!” sound.
• Come out from behind your desk. A colleague of mine makes a point of walking around her desk and sitting side-by-side when her staff comes in to tell her something. She finds it helps put people at ease and allows her to step away from her distractions.
• Switch from “Yah, but…” to “Yes, and…” Once someone has shared something and you respond with “Yah, but” it has a way of negating what the other person said. This can shut down a conversation, sometimes before the person has made their case — particularly if you are the senior person in the room. Instead, try something like “Yes, I can see where you’re coming from, and I would add…”  See how this can reframe your interjection. It often helps keep people engaged and validates their contribution.
• Know when you’re not going to be a good listener. If you’re distracted by other pressing matters, let the other person know and see if you can better schedule a time to talk (and then be sure to keep your commitment to that time).
• Put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine the conversation, as it is taking place, from the other person’s perspective. How must they be feeling? If you were in their shoes, what would you appreciate from the boss? See if you can give them that.
• Know their objective. Ask yourself what the other person would like from you — perhaps ask them that. Are they wanting to unburden, do they simply want to be sure you are aware of a situation or do they need your input? Your advice? Your decision?

Over the years I have had many clients dealing with workplace matters and with various communication styles. In one particular session, we were discussing (over the phone) work-related issues. I realized quickly that with the phone static and accent, it was difficult to hear all the words they were trying to convey about the seriousness and various problems.

Yes, it was frustrating!  At that moment I had a choice, to either cancel our conversation due to the poor audio or focus on their words. As they spoke my mind was wandering because I was not focused on listening. My mind was complaining about the poor audio. This was a pivotal moment…

It was amazing, closing my eyes I focused entirely on every word

they were saying and slowly the static seem to disappear, I could hear and understand each for the details being explained. You see the phone didn’t change, the accent didn’t change, or disappear, it was active listening. Focussing on what the person was saying. Be mindful to stay attentive, catching those wandering thoughts and my opinions.  Try it, it’s exhausting in the beginning but incredibly amazing on the details and the understanding you will learn of the other person.

What happens when we are not ‘really’ listening?

Here is an example that I am sure many of us have experienced at some point either in our personal or professional lives.  During a conversation with my partner, I was listening to his words until something triggered me (my brain shut off listening and began to think of a response)  my mind was OTS out there somewhere thinking about what he had said. I missed the entire part after the initial response. Instead of clarifying and asking for further explanation I immediately rushed to judgement. By not listening and asking to repeat part of the story I missed it completely. The result was anger and frustration. You see it is okay to have our feelings and react but it also it is important to seek clarification, ask questions, be aware of your triggers, and brain switching off/on when we are listening.

As leaders is it important for you to also be aware of how you listen and interpret events and complaints from your employees. Here is another example of a Detachment Commander failing to use active listening skills and rushing to judgement and protection mode from my book WOMEN NOT WANTED. I received a frantic call from the wife of another member crying and in distress that her husband, another officer, refused to return their young daughter as per the custody order. I called our Detachment Commander to explain the situation and he told me to ‘mind my own business. If he had been listening he would have realized the seriousness, the potential danger for both the little girl and his employee violating the legal custody order. Thankfully I did something by calling a lawyer for his advice and the matter was soon resolved.

Often we are working with leaders who may seem great communications and yet fail miserably when dealing with complaints, conflicts and other grievances from their employees or team. The reason, they were not listening.  An effective boss is a good listener. People like to feel heard even if nothing happens.  Doesn’t mean listening is enough merely we need to feel heard. The art of listening takes awareness, requires taking our egos out of the equation, feeling centred and not rushed or overly stressed ourselves, and most important is keeping ourselves out of the inner dialogue.

It is always a good time to practice active listening for all your relationships. You will be amazed at what you hear and the reaction of those who share.  Never give up.