Lessons learned from a final conversation with my dad.

Lessons in grief. Sometimes requires a bit of soul searching. Can we change our past? No, we cannot change it or deny it, we can accept it and find our journey of empowerment and happiness.

I like to share the lessons learned so that others may not suffer as I did or feel lost, hopeless, helpless, or confused. It’s been several months since my father passed away, and people still stop me in the street and say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s the best and funniest obituary I have ever read’. It was an obituary written by his children with lots of love and humour.

I take comfort in that, knowing that people who knew dad throughout his 96 1/2 years enjoyed our final tribute to him in recognition of his work as a principal fisherman and father.

Sometimes I reflect on the ‘gifts’ I have received from the people who have come in and out of my life. Let’s face it people come in and out of our lives during our entire journey. Some of the folks stay around longer and there are a few that we don’t want in our lives anymore because they’re toxic or don’t respect our boundaries. That’s great.

It’s very important to have boundaries, learn to set boundaries in all your relationships, personal and professional. Learning how to take care of yourself is knowing how and knowing that you have the right to set up boundaries. No one has the right to abuse you at home or in the workplace.

Again sometimes we need a few negative experiences before we realize we have the right to set up boundaries with our family, friends, and all intimate relationships. Working in the RCMP was a steep learning curve on that abuse. Took me a few years to figure it out. The boundary marker was more like a pendulum, swinging back and forth in extreme swings before I got a perfect fit for what works best for me. Everyone is different. This was not a conversation we grew up sharing.

Looking back in life we often see people from our adult eyes and again with more criticism and judgment. I had to experience this myself before I could confront my thought patterns.

There was a time when I resented my father and the impact of his behaviour on his children. Everyone develops their survivor behaviours from their childhood. These behaviour are not effective when children become adults. Without the right coping skills, we can continue along that survivor path not realizing those patterns are less than effective in our adult world. The key is awareness.

None of us is perfect none of us come from perfect families and quite often we repeat those negative patterns. However, we do have a choice as adults to recognize those negative patterns and take the steps so as not to repeat them in our own lives. I like to look deeper into my past for the lessons I have missed, not ready to face or ignored.

Learning to forgive with non-judgemental eyes. In the article 4 Ways to Release Anger Towards Your Parents.

3. Set boundaries with your parents.

You can exercise assertiveness and set firm boundaries with your parents. As a child, you could not escape the family home or build a wall to defend yourself. But as an independent adult, you have the ability to say no, walk away, and minimize contact.

At first, doing so feels uncomfortable. Your parents are likely to resist the change by criticizing or guilt-tripping you. But you can find a way to tell them you need to be treated with respect, and they can no longer influence important decisions in your life.

More importantly, you need to believe in your ability to stand on your own two feet. Once you have set boundaries, you must keep all parties accountable. When others cross the line, you say no. If they cannot respect your need for space and autonomy, you can limit interaction with them.

While this seems harsh at first, it is for the greater good. It also does not have to be forever; sometimes, just by limiting contact for a period of time, you give yourself the time and space to regain clarity and confidence.

4. Love yourself and believe in your worthiness.

At the end of the day, you want to be able to cross over the bridge of resentment and move to a place of peace. But however cliche this sounds, you need first to love yourself, embracing both the good and the bad, your ability to love and your rage towards others. You must forgive yourself for your inability to forgive. You are a survivor for being here today. You deserve to live without emotional baggage.

When you open your heart to the possibilities of tomorrow, you will gradually find that you are no longer weighed down by experiences of the past. With a conscious approach to handling the anger you feel towards your parents, you can finally start to repair your relationship with them and hopefully build the foundation for mutual respect and understanding.

If what you do grows into a deep sense of love for your parents, then the journey would have been worth it. If not, you know that you tried, and you will have no regrets.

The greatest gift I got from my father was compassion and unconditional love.

I realized over the years that he was not going to change and I could not deny nor change the past. It was an active decision to have a relationship with boundaries. In other words not allow other people’s opinions or interactions with my dad to affect my relationship with him. This was no easy task, it took an active and mindful decision. Allowing other people’s opinions and their relationships to affect how I interact with my dad would have destroyed the loving relationship we developed over the last few years. Creating a loving relationship is a two-way effort. Equally important is recognizing that you can’t change anyone else. For me, I learned to change how I reacted, and how I responded in every interaction we had till the very last day. Visits were filled with love, compassion, and forgiveness. It was an incredible journey.

Harbouring old wounds, and hate damages and interferes with healthy loving relationships. Hanging on to anger, resentment, and at the same time trying to have a loving relationship is impossible. You have to separate from the pain, deal with the pain, accept it and learn to move forward in a more loving, positive way. No easy task.

This of course will look and feel different for everyone. You see I wanted to have a relationship and I struggled with what that was going to look like. It took time, it took effort, it took therapy it took self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness to understand me and my dad.

In the end, I’m not sure who benefitted more from the journey I was on. I’d like to think we both did. He learned a lot from me and I learned a lot about myself and the power of my voice, setting boundaries, forgiveness, and the power of love.

In every relationship, we have a choice to continue on the same path or find ways to have healthy loving relationships not only with others but also with ourselves. There is freedom in letting go of the crap, disappointments, and pain from the past.

Remember we cannot change others, we cannot deny or change our past, what we can do is accept our past and find ways to move forward, know that we have the right to speak up, set boundaries, learn to value the power of your voice, create self-care tools, always be curious and find ways to let go of painful memories.

When People ask how I’m feeling because my dad has died, my response is that “I learned so much from my dad and at the very end we both found our place of inner peace, forgiveness, and love.” To me that’s priceless. An incredible journey that I started for myself and ended up walking side-by-side with my dad and guiding him to a place of acceptance and self-forgiveness. I hope that others can learn from our journey.

Life is a gift. We do not choose our parents, we cannot change our past. Give yourself a chance to take the lessons not the pain and create relationships on your terms, learn to set boundaries and enjoy your life because if you think about it there is no guarantee of a tomorrow.

Cherish yourself and the people you love and who love you. Look for lessons that can change your life.

Love you dad and thank you!

Lessons in grief can be priceless.

Lessons learned from a final conversation with my dad.

The greatest gift I got from my father was compassion and unconditional love.

Cherish yourself and the people you love and who love you. Look for lessons that can change your life.

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