One thing we all need in our lives and yet most of us do not …. is understanding the power of your voice……
What is the power of your voice? The “B “ word….. Boundaries
I am not talking about a fence, wall or other visible barriers. This is the power of our voice, your voice to say yes, to say no, to protect your mental and physical health.
It is important to learn boundaries at an early age but it is never too late to learn.
Ask yourself …….. Do you have a hard time saying no? Are you a Yes person? Are you one of those eager to please everyone? Why?? Some folks think it is fine while others do not. Would you accept people cutting in front of you at the store all the time? Yes? No? Would you accept your boss yelling and screaming, name-calling at you or a co-worker? Some folks would excuse the behaviour while others are devastated.
Clearly yelling in the workplace or at home destroys trust and creates an unhealthy environment.
Some people may think this is a motivator for employees. No, it is not. Think of boundaries and the words used. It is not what you say, but how you say it.
Saying yes all the time can lead to anger, frustration, resentment and bitterness. People say yes and then blow up, feel guilty and it starts all over again. Sound familiar. Been there.
How do I establish boundaries?
The power of your voice is having boundaries.
Boundaries in our personal and professional life are a must.
If there is one thing 20 years of workplace bullying and sexual harassment has taught me, is the importance of, the must-have in our lives, is having boundaries. Most of us struggle with different aspects of relationships.
Often seeing a pattern that keeps getting repeated and unaware of why. The good news is We can change it.
Remember only you can change you, only you can determine the boundaries that work for you. Speaking up is part of creating boundaries.
In my Ted Talk 2015, ‘Tools to survive workplace bullying’,
I stress the importance and value of recognizing the need for self-care for good mental health. Especially if we are dealing with workplace bullying and other violence.
One very important tool was and is developing boundaries.
Boundaries on behaviours that you accept in your personal and professional life, and behaviours you will not accept or tolerate.
Like the snowflake……We are all beautifully different, with unique life experiences and a life lens. A self-care tool kit is unique to you.
Setting up boundaries will look and feel different for each of you.
There is a difference between being a team player/helpful/ and community volunteer…….and a doormat at home and at work. It has taken a long time for ‘boundaries’ to become part of my everyday life.
And I know exactly how I feel when someone crosses the line either verbally or physically, in cyberspace, social media and email.
Think of the last time you felt pressure to say ‘YES’…. how did you feel? Where did you feel it?
As a professional educator/consultant/coach, I am often in the public arena as an analyst for various government, radio and television media agencies as well as my own online presence. It is important as business owners to value our personal and private space including personal safety.
Ask yourself, have you ever been in a situation where you felt unsafe ( online or physically) but did not want to hurt the other persons feelings ….so did nothing? You were at a party and wanted to leave but too shy or scared to do say anything? This happens when people do not value their own boundaries and truly believe someone else is more important. WRONG.
Trust your spidey sense…its the B-word…. if you feel unsafe run, get out, find the words to leave, do not respond and if needed block, unfriend and /or report it.
As business owners, we have to set up boundaries on who, what, when and where we conduct business. This is where having boundaries come in to play in recognizing we can say ‘no thank you’. We do not have to serve everyone or be at anyone’s ‘beck and call’.
We can detach from abusive emails, texts, voicemail, to avoid getting caught up in dealing with unhealthy clients who do not respect our boundaries. Yes, we can say ‘no thank you’. This is incredibly empowering.
It is the power of your voice, saying yes and no.
Boundaries are important in your personal and professional life today and every day. Only you can define what behaviours you want to accept, the kind of people you want in your life and setting boundaries on time spent with everyone else, family and friends. Only you can decide what kind of people and clients you want in your business life, the emails you plan to address and the environment you want to work in. For example, I turn off technology on Friday afternoon and respond to emails on Monday morning. If I make the choice to work on the weekend it is my choice.
Establish your own boundaries in order to spend quality time with yourself, family and friends
Is it really that easy? No, it is not. It took me a while to figure this out, in fact, many years to determine what kind of boundaries worked best. It was like a pendulum, trying to determine the fit. And of course, we can change over time and in life.
Pendulum swing in finding the right set of boundaries
Was there a backlash? Yes, people who have no boundaries referred to boundaries as ‘selfish’ ‘bitch’ ‘no sense of humour’.
My husband and I had a couple of people who are no longer in our lives because they did not respect our boundaries.
Looking for a teaching moment I tried to speak about the behaviours and what would work if they wanted to maintain any relationship. Neither was willing to see or respect these boundaries…., and today no longer in our lives.
For me, it’s important to explain the value of boundaries to people who don’t understand. You see the people who cross your boundaries don’t have any.
As always there could be ‘ah aha’ moments. However, that’s not your job to change anybody who doesn’t value the importance of boundaries. That’s their job. Sometimes we have to let go of the people, clients, business opportunities, that do not respect our boundaries.
If you are having trouble speaking up, then create a few catchphrases that can give you space to determine if you want to say yes.
For example: thank you for asking me to do this project, let me check my schedule and see it fits’. ‘Appreciate you thinking of me again, please let me check at home to see if I am able to commit.’
My favourite ‘chickens in the oven, got to go’
The value of your voice, the power of your voice, “THE B WORD boundaries!
Think, and ask yourself about the kind of boundaries you want in your life? Only you can define what works for you. Do you want to keep saying yes and feel angry, resentful and frustrated? Or do you want to feel confident in saying no?
Remember you never have to explain NO.
We can have boundaries, respect boundaries with co-workers, friends, and family to move forward enjoying healthy, happy and productive lives.
Remember the “B” word