Nurturing Our Emotional Environment in Understanding and Transforming Anger
Feelings can seem like a puzzle with millions of pieces that sometimes don’t fit. In the intricate tapestry of human emotions, the question arises: Why do we find ourselves grappling with anger, especially in the wake of hurtful experiences or emotional distress? This journey of self-reflection is one we all embark upon as part of our shared human experience—a voyage marked by emotions, triggers, and responses unique to each individual. We place value on our relationships and when someone hurts us it can cut deep in the fabric of our soul. Those ‘wounds’ take a long time to heal. Still, sometimes we are left with emotional scars.
None of us is perfect. I am assuming we all can agree we make mistakes. It’s crucial to embrace our humanity, recognizing that imperfection is an inherent part of who we are. The passage of time does not erase the potential for triggers, as they can linger, influenced by the diverse array of stress and trauma we encounter. No one but you can discern the gravity of a trigger, for it is a deeply personal response shaped by your own experiences.
Recently I had to work with an individual who deeply betrayed my trust. And will admit, it took time to heal and find positive ways to move forward. We have a choice in how we move forward and this looks and feels different for each of us. I looked at the lessons this person gave me, and yes, there were valuable and empowering lessons. At the time I could not recognize the lessons but setting boundaries realized my emotional growth and compassion. Great life lessons! I can actually say ‘thank you’.
There are no guarantees in life. Life unfolds with its share of adventures, unexpected twists, and also the harsh realities of bullying and violence. Each of us, being beautifully unique, navigates these challenges in our own way. Cultivating self-care tools and strategies becomes paramount in weathering difficult times and dealing with challenging individuals. As a result, my self-care tools will look and feel different to you.
My second favorite word is boundaries! The art of setting boundaries takes center stage in understanding the behaviors we are willing to accept, as much as the people we invite into our lives, and the nature of our relationships. Awareness of what we don’t want in our lives is as significant as defining what we do want. In fact, this process is a journey, not a destination. And indeed, our boundaries may change over time. Our self-care tools may change over time.
Be curious about how you think and where that comes from, your past experiences or preconceived ideas. Despite our efforts to change thought patterns and establish firm boundaries, occasional ‘sticky thoughts’ may surface—echoes of past events, perhaps linked to instances like workplace bullying. Acknowledging the negative chatter in our minds is the first step toward addressing unproductive thoughts and reshaping our mindset. Thus, the more you stay in that negative mindset, the stronger the negative thoughts that can blindside your reality. It’s about cultivating awareness, practicing mindfulness and taking responsibility for our thoughts, responses and reactions.
Self-compassion is important. We get angry as a defense mechanism. Sometimes it is effective and sometimes not so beneficial. Grant yourself with the gift of time and self-compassion to navigate feelings of anger, sadness and loss. Embrace these emotions, understanding that they hold valuable insights. Moving forward involves acknowledging and processing these emotions, ensuring they don’t cast a perpetual shadow over your days.
Sometimes a smell, place, or voice can cause painful triggers. There are no time limits on trauma. Triggers may emerge even years later, often resurfacing when we are in a safe space to confront them. For some, the smell of beer breath is a highly triggering response to a sexual assault. Loud bangs can trigger a different response. We are all different. But, either way, the key lies in identifying the trigger, discerning the current reality and employing positive self-talk to ground yourself in what is real versus a fleeting, sticky thought.
It takes awareness and self-control to switch how we think. It’s tempting to descend into the abyss of negative thinking, letting triggers dominate our responses to events and people. I have been in the negative abyss which is not a happy place but one of despair and hopelessness. Open conversations with friends and family become invaluable, offering insights into how our words and actions impact others. Sometimes, people are unaware of the profound effects they have on those around them. Once you know something we cannot un-know it.
Everyone has their own story and life events, so we can always learn from each other. In our collective journey, learning from each other is a constant. Anger is a natural response, and our feelings, often nonsensical, demand acknowledgment and validation. With this in mind, the choice lies in how we respond to triggers, requiring an initial awareness of their existence and the subsequent impact on our mind and body. Psychology Today: Learn how to let go.
Now, there is no one-size-fits-all, “right” response when bothersome events occur. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to express our anger, if, for example, we need to send a message that we will not put up with certain treatment. This may not be the time to “let it go.”
Manage your emotions or they will manage you. Mindfulness, a positive attitude and the guidance of a therapist can be powerful allies in navigating triggers and intense negative emotions, though.
The journey toward self-discovery is ongoing, and it is essential never to give up on oneself. Remember, life is a precious gift, and so are you.