Why can’t you just get over it?
Why can’t I just get over it?
How many times have you heard that? Has someone said that to you?
In this blog, there are several quotes to spark your own journey of getting unstuck. The book, The Body Keeps the Score Brain, Mind, and Body In The Healing Of Trauma, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD is a powerful insightful read for those feeling ‘stuck’
If you really think about it that’s a very good question, and something we need to search inside our own minds and body to figure out why pain or trauma remains stuck inside of us. Seeking to understand what’s holding us back and why?
There is no easy answer, there is no switch, there is no pill that will take everything away. Ignoring our trauma and pain buries it deep inside and as a result, manifests itself in unproductive, unhealthy behaviors and further damage to our physical and mental health. There is the potential to repeat those negative patterns.
Trauma is trauma.
It looks and feels different for everyone because we are uniquely different. Our coping skills are different or nonexistent. We come from different backgrounds and experiences as children, as adults, and during our daily lives.
It’s important to remember and be mindful of our words and actions as parents and caregivers of children and how much that impacts their future mental health and self-esteem. We are all born innocent and soon people around us, and our environment creates and starts to shape who we can become. Not everyone has a childhood where they feel safe loved and secure. In fact, many live in violent, neglectful abusive homes.
As children, we are not responsible for what happens to us, we are, however, responsible for what we do as adults once we recognize the trauma of our childhood/youth that is holding us back and keeping a stuck in pain. Everyone needs to address their own trauma to move forward.
“Children have no choice who their parents are, nor can they understand that parents may simply be too depressed, in raged, or spaced out to be there for them or that their parent’s behavior may have little to do with them. Children have no choice but to organize themselves to survive within the families they have. Unlike adults, they have no other authorities to turn to for help-their parents are the authorities.”
Getting over something from our past we need to first be able to identify we have a problem, trauma, pain that is unresolved, and unacknowledged. What does that look like? Different for everyone. Ask yourself are there patterns in my life that are not working, what am I repeating, are there triggers, memories, emotional and physical scars that keep me stuck?
To be denied your voice in sharing your pain in standing up and saying, this is what happened to me, is the death of our very soul. People need to have a voice to share those emotional experiences that have shaped them.
“Safe and protective early relationships are critical to protecting children from long-term problems. Besides, even parents with their own generic vulnerabilities can pass on that protection to the next generation provided that they are given the right support.”
It’s OK, and I would encourage anyone to ask for professional help in dealing with the trauma of today and yesterday. Trying to navigate that deep emotional pain is unpredictable and scary. having the rights to positive supports is really important in healing.
For the longest time, I was stuck, really stuck in the pain of workplace bullying and sexual harassment, and other violence. It has taken many years on the journey to empowerment and in finding the winding road of recovery from trauma. And yet even today some events happen which can be traumatizing. How we look at these experiences depends on our coping skills and our ability to recognize ‘hey, I need some help, I’m struggling with ….’. Taking care of our mental health is a life long job. No one else can make you feel good about yourself. No one else can take away the trauma. With proper supports and your own emotional work, we find a way to move forward and become unstuck! It’s a process. An individual process. One that I recommend for anyone who feels like they just ‘can’t get over it!’
Awareness is part of the journey to self-discovery in recognizing we have an emotional brain and a rational brain. The more intense the trauma the harder it is for the rational brain to react.
“People cannot put traumatic events behind until they can acknowledge what has happened and start to recognize the invisible demons they’re struggling with.”
Recently I was discussing with a friend the powerful information on trauma and how it affects our mind and body. You know the expression knowledge is power. I explained that I have three traumatic events in my life. Two of which they could understand based on years of violence in the workplace. The third they seemed confused, ‘that’s not a trauma, why can’t you just get over it’. Clearly, this was a teaching opportunity to share the personal experience of trauma and how it looks and feels different for everyone. Someone can love and care about you and may not fully understand your trauma. That is okay. You are not responsible for others to ‘get it’. That is their job to learn, listen, and support. We can learn from each other in discovering ways to be supportive even if it makes no sense to us. Remember no one has to agree with your feelings. You do not need the approval of anyone when dealing with trauma. They are yours.
“Silence about trauma also leads to death-the death of the soul. Silence reinforces the godforsaken isolation of trauma being able to say out loud to another human being I was raped or I was battered by my husband …..is a sign that healing can begin.”
People react to events differently, there are times we have to explain how an event has been traumatizing and remaining in silence has kept us stuck from moving forward with life. The hope is that you have supportive people around you on this journey. If not then seek out those positive support systems from outside resources.
“ As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. Hiding your core feelings takes an enormous amount of energy, except your motivation to pursue worthwhile goals, and it leaves you feeling bored and shut down.”
Why would I want a few people in my life, over my lifetime to ruin my life? I don’t want to be a prisoner of my past and you deserve to be free, safe, happy, and successful.
Our scars remind us where we have been but they do not have to define our future success and happiness. Yes, we really do have a choice.
“As we have seen, trauma interferes with the proper functioning of the brain areas that manage and interpret experience, a robust sense of self-One that allows a person to state confidently, “This is what I think and feel” and “This is what is going on with me” – depends on a healthy and dynamic into play among these areas.”
There is nothing in my life that I would change.
We are who we are from all our experiences the good, bad, and really crappy. Take the lessons not the pain of trauma. Find self-care skills for good mental and physical health. Learn about your own past and begin the healing journey. Break free from the bondage of misery and inner turmoil, and break the patterns of destructive behaviors. Create new healthy, loving models for the next generation. You deserve to be unstuck and free from pain.