The ‘disease to please’. Are you a people pleaser? 

Many of us have suffered or continue to suffer from this disease. It goes undiagnosed. Most people are unaware they have the disease. Those who are dealing with the disease to please suffer in silence, never say no to a request for help, always volunteer,  often with a smile on your face. One of those always looks so ‘happy people!!  Is that you?

Being a helpful person is great but there is a difference… if you are suffering from the disease to please. Helping can become overwhelming.

We don’t see how they are tormented. We don’t think there is a problem because they are always happy, they are so ‘nice’……and guess what my friends are suffering.

 

The disease to please wears people down ….slowly. Somewhere along the way, they felt they had to be nice, They had to a people pleaser to survive,  had always say yes to every request even when we were mentally and physically exhausted. They felt they were not allowed, were punished, rejected, or unwilling to say no.  Like does that make any sense?

There are people in our lives right now, that we love and that are suffering from that disease to please.   Having been in those need to please shoes find it easy to recognize other folks who are struggling.  I recognize their faces,  men and women, boys and girls, the old the young. Everyone can suffer from the disease to please.

How do we get the disease to please?  Is it contagious?  Let’s take a little journey back in time to younger me. Coming from a large family, although there were love and kindness I recognized early on in life that if I said yes if I was smiling if I was always agreeable, then people liked me. You see then I avoided conflict. Then I avoided disappointing anyone.

I could make everyone happy, I could always keep this calm smiling face. And everything was fine. People liked and accepted me and said ‘oh Sherry you are so nice’.  STOP!!

 

Is it possible to make everyone happy?  Is it possible to avoid conflicts and disagreements? Is it possible to never have an independent opinion that is different from others?  Was I fine?

But guess what?  …… everything was not fine and as the years progressed and people came in and out of my life, people who were not nice…. people who intentionally took advantage of someone who has the disease to please. It is was a pattern of behavior that was physically and mentally destroying me. You see this is what happens to people who have the disease to please. They may look fine for many years until suddenly something breaks.

You see those who are dealing with the disease to please are dying on the inside, often unaware,  they don’t have the awareness to recognize its okay to say no. It is really important to say no and have an opinion.  Often it is not having the right skills, the tools to refill a very emotional tank.  The voice to say NO!

Speaking from experience those deeper emotions and fear of disappointing someone or they be disappointed in us, believing we are unable to refuse and displease others often we get into unhealthy relationships either friends or intimate partners.  Again, that inner need to please others is in a way self-destructive.

There is a difference between being kind and a doormat, there is a difference between wanting to avoid conflict and setting up boundaries. There is a difference between the disease to please and staying physically and emotionally safe by valuing your voice, space, and your own needs.

I speak from experience with the disease to please and having unhealthy (emotionally, physically) abusive partners who I mistakenly thought their wants, needs were over and above my own. Having to deal with workplace bullying and harassment only further wears people down into believing they are voiceless.  People want to belong in their workplace, we want to be part of the group and accepted yet for those with the disease to please it can be impossible.  I wanted to belong. It took a few years before I found the antidote.

 

How do you know if you have this disease?

Awareness is the beginning.

Ask yourself what is my intent to do this…….. is it to please and avoid confrontation or hurting someone’s feelings?  Is saying yes giving me an out from getting my feelings hurt? Am I able to commit, do I want to volunteer? Is this request legal, moral, ethical, do I feel comfortable?

How comfortable you are with conflict, with saying no with speaking your mind, with setting up boundaries? If you were uncomfortable with the answer then you may have admitted that you have the disease to please. It’s not terminal and thankfully there is hope for everyone,…….time to re-evaluate your boundaries, create your self-care tools, and learn to value your space and value the power of your voice.

Here is a visual explanation of the disease to please.

Imagine a jug of water, the water represents you. Around you are all these cups of different shapes and sizes which represent the different commitments. Such as school, family, sick relatives, friends, work requests/deadlines, teaching and working at home, intimate relationships, housework, shopping, yard work, elderly relatives, anything that requires attention and energy. If we pour a little of ‘you’ (water) into each of the cups very quickly the jug (you) are empty. When we give from a place of emptiness we are giving from a place of anger and resentment. Yes, there are times when life tosses us a curveball and we have to react and respond. The idea is to be aware of when you feel ’empty’  and how to refill the jug. Refilling our emotional tank is only our responsibility because only we can do it.  Think of your car, it needs gas to run. So do you, you need to fill your tank.

 

What to do if you have the disease to please?

It is not what you say but how you say it. It is in your intent. With awareness and acknowledgment, people can change. The only person you can change or make happy is you.

Remember it is okay to say no. You do not have to explain why? People who hound you have no boundaries. People who have no boundaries seek out people with the disease to please so they can push around, dominate, guilt into chores, and into ‘helping’.

Stop the cycle of saying yes then feeling mad, resentful or guilty, self-shaming. Repressing your anger…. then blowing up feeling more guilty holy crap!!!

What we repress we eventually express and blow up.

Relearn to refill your emotional tank. Learn to make yourself happy. With hobbies, funny movies, service clubs, I like Toastmasters, hang with the positive folks, travel, reading, fitness is good but not for everyone, alone time, reading, writing, mediation, support groups, if you volunteer set time limits so that you don’t get guilted into committing and this takes practice.

How do people respond as we recover from the disease to please?

It is a combination of responses. Those folks who respect boundaries are usually encouraging and helpful. Speaking from experience those who do not respect boundaries and like the yes yes status quo, were resistant for years.

“Why are you so selfish” “you always say yes”  “you are such a bitch for not helping” ” why can’t you stay longer to volunteer”  these were just a few of the comments on the road to recovery.  Once they realized I was not going to return to the yes, yes, a few attitudes began to adjust to accept these new boundaries.  Today there is no misunderstanding on these boundaries. If I choose to stay longer, volunteer, or say yes it is on my terms. There is a difference between helping, supporting, and being a doormat. Remember you deserve to have your voice and time valued.

But I have a hard time speaking up?

In the beginning, so did I. Scared shitless the first time I spoke up. Seems like a lifetime ago. It takes practice. Those of us who may not think quick on our feet or respond easily I suggest having a few phrases to give you time, an opportunity to think about what you want to do, your intent.  It is okay to want to help others but not at the expense of your own life.

For example a few phrases to respond;

Thank you for asking me to be part of this project, let me check my commitments/schedule and get back to you.

Thank you for the offer, I have to see if I am able to give you that much time at the moment.

No, thank you,  I am unable to commit to this project at this time. Thank you for asking.

Chickens in the oven. (this is one of my favorite)

Eventually, you find what works best for you and different people and situations. Practice what feels good for you, find the words that fit. We can be respectful of our words. We are all different and what works for me in communication may not be comfortable for another. We can learn to support and help each other in dealing with the disease to please.

If you have the disease to please it is completely curable. And you only are the perfect doctor to fix it.

I would suggest everyone get the APP.

Awareness, Practice, and Patience

Seek out positive support on the journey to healing

Be open to professional help

Trust your voice

Believe in your value

Together we are capable of defeating the Disease to Please in learning about the value of our voice and power of no.  Good luck!