Why do I feel depressed?

What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I be happy?

Depression is an insidious disease that creeps upon us. No one is immune. Anyone can suffer from depression at some point in their life. There is a difference between feeling down, or blue and depression. Let’s face it life is full of ups and downs, disappointments, hurt feelings, trauma and loss and we all feel sad, or depressed at some point.

Is there a difference between feeling sad and depressed?

Sadness is a normal reaction to life’s experiences such as a challenging problem, loss, frustration,  disappointment. Feeling sad for more than a couple of weeks or if you have self-harming thoughts seek out professional help or a crisis line immediately. Have a safety plan and seek out positive supports.

The difference between sadness feeling ‘blue’ or feeling ‘down and dealing with depression.

Depression is a mental illness that affects your mood, the way you understand yourself, and the way you understand and relate to things around you. It can also go by different names, such as clinical depression, major depressive disorder, or major depression. Depression can come up for no reason, and it lasts for a long time. It’s much more than sadness or low mood. People who experience depression may feel worthless or hopeless. They may feel unreasonable guilty. Some people may experience depression as anger or irritability. It may be hard to concentrate or make decisions. Most people lose interest in things that they used to enjoy and may isolate themselves from others. There are also physical signs of depression, such as problems with sleep, appetite and energy and unexplainable aches or pains. Some may experience difficult thoughts about death or ending their life (suicide). Depression lasts longer than two weeks, doesn’t usually go away on its own, and impacts your life. It’s a real illness, and it is very treatable. It’s important to seek help if you’re concerned about depression.

Depression can result from anything in life, loss of work, partner, body functions, death and grief, illness, workplace bullying, and harassment. How we react is also unique based on our learned life skills, coping skills, self-care tools and strategies. This is important to recognize how we are coping and ask ourselves if ‘these skills help or are we still feeling depressed?   Awareness is the key.

Happiness from depression is an individual journey.

Recovery looks and feels different for each of us. Recovering from depression takes time, positive supports, sometimes professional help and or medication, self-care tools, a positive attitude and most importantly self patience.

Speaking from my own experiences with depression I always thought of myself as strong. As a police officer felt that showing vulnerability, sadness, weakness resulted in further bullying and alienation. Being a police officer did not make us invincible.    I was so wrong!  Day after day, week after week, month after month slowly losing my voice and the enjoyment of family, friends and my own life. I thought I could handle ‘those few sad dark days’.   The darkest days seem to suddenly happen every day and the few self-care tools did not seem to help alleviate the darkness of despair.  Not understanding depression, I blamed my lack of ‘strength’ to face this new foe of sadness.

For me that was scary and I kept thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. Like why can’t I just be happy?? Feeling crappy and sad all day sucked. It was not who I am or wanted to be.  Reaching out for professional help was the wonderful beginning to recovery and yes I am still on this lovely journey. With professional help, I was able to begin to recognize the reality of life and not the blackness which seemed to be all-consuming. People who are living with depression find it difficult to see to be happy, focus on the good and find positive meaning in life. You see, years of workplace bullying, sexual harassment, assault, filing grievances that were never resolved effectively and the patterns of abuse continued slowly wearing down my sense of self. It was a slow process similar to a chip, chip away at our self-esteem then suddenly I am standing looking at a reflection I no longer recognized. Vacant sad expressionless eyes.

This certainly was a pivotal moment from living with depression to dealing with depression. Feeling sad or blue is different from depression. Depression lasted longer and affected so much of my thoughts and physical ability to get out of bed, concentrate, be productive and loving and present for my family. Depression was robbing me of life. Depression from workplace abuse was robbing me of my career and happiness. Folks that simply will not do for me or you. Time to act.

How I got through those darkest hours was help from a therapist,

medication, a positive attitude (which gives you resilience in life) and creating more tools for self-care.

Do you see acknowledging our emotional pain from the events that we experience, acknowledging that we’ve experienced trauma either today or historically, acknowledging our sadness and despair as a sign of strength on the journey of empowerment and happiness? It is a journey. Depression does not have to define your life or future success and happiness. It is important to recognize our feelings and emotions.

From the article in Psychology Today:

Workplace bullying negatively affects not just the victim but also those who witness (e.g., coworkers) or learn about it (e.g., one’s romantic partner). For instance, witnessing bullying has been linked with developing depression.

Concluding Thoughts on Workplace Bullying

Workplace bullying is a serious problem. It can negatively affect workers’ productivity (e.g. turnover, absenteeism, reduced engagement), physical health (e.g., pain and psychosomatic complaints, sleep problems), mental health (e.g., anxiety, depression, burnout, suicidal ideation), and relationships outside work (e.g., conflicts at home, family incivility).

Therefore, employees need to learn to identify workplace bullying and take steps to protect themselves. And employers who want happy, healthy, and productive workers must do everything in their power to stop workplace bullying.

Of course, the journey looks and feels different for everyone who is experiencing depression because we are also beautifully unique. Speaking up about mental health is important in removing the veil of silent shame and suffering.  The reason for this blog, to share the lessons so that you do not have to suffer like I did so that you can reach out for help, create your self-care tools for rebuilding your confidence, energy and sense of self.  It is never too late to re-learn to like who you are today.  For me, I have learned the greatest lessons from the people and events that have challenged me the most. We cannot change our past we can, however, change our attitude from negative to positive, be mindful of how we respond, react and what we retain.

I would not change a thing, I am who I am today because of the good, bad and real crappy events and experiences.  The strongest and most beautiful parts ( my opinion of course) resulted from the journey dealing with and the recovery from depression. Although the depression was later diagnosed as PTSD, the journey has not changed. I have PTSD it does not hold me as an emotional prison in despair. Taking the lessons, having a positive attitude, setting boundaries and learning to like the emotional scars.  It is an active choice. Are there dark days, yes but they no longer hold me a prisoner for weeks. We have a choice where we want to live, the past or present. I want to live as many moments in the sun of happiness and joy.

Never give up on yourself.  Yes, the journey continues.